Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes Monday March 07th 2005, 2:44 pm
Filed under: Say What?

1) That’s not right ……………….. Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?…. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP…………………… Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man …………………….. Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse ……………………. Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? ……. Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table … Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift ….. Chin Tu Fat

9) It’s very dark in here …………. Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet .. Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone …….. No Pah King

12) What are you doing here …….. Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight ………….. Lei Ying Lo

14) He’s cleaning his automobile … Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive …. Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great ……………………………. Fa Kin Su Pah

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Learn How to Tell Jokes, Part 1 of 2 - Your First Joke

Heard any good jokes lately? I sometimes ask people this, and do you know how they often answer? "Oh, I can never remember jokes!"

That used to be me. I used to never remember a joke. In fact, you could tell me the same joke over and over and I'd never remember the punch line until you got there. At least I got more than one laugh out of it.

But I felt a little left out. I wanted to tell jokes, too. Jokes are a way of making a person smile. It's a way of sharing with each other. If you tell a joke well, they'll remember you with a smile.

I assure you, you can remember jokes. If you can remember a story, you can remember a joke. And you do remember some stories, don't you? Do you remember Hansel and Gretel, or Pinocchio, or The Three Musketeers, or Star Wars? If you remember any stories you can remember a joke, for a joke is just a short story with a funny end.

And just like with a story, you don't need to remember the joke exactly in order to retell it. Here is a secret: usually good joke-tellers are changing small details of the joke -- either to make it better -- or because they don't remember it exactly how it was told to them.

So here is what you can do to learn how to tell jokes. Begin with short jokes:

Patient: "Doctor, I have a terrible problem! I can't seem to remember things I have just said."

Doctor: "When did you first notice the problem?"

Patient: "What problem?

Now immediately look away or close your eyes and retell the joke out loud to no one. Then, all you have to do is call a friend and tell the joke. Try to do it soon. Tell the same joke this afternoon or tomorrow to someone else. Keep telling it. You remember it better with each retelling. You might even change it a little and make it better.

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Everyone Should Learn Three Inoffensive Jokes

A man who won millions in a lottery was once asked how the money had changed his life. The man answered: "People you to say I was rude and they now say I'm refreshing and I'm not witty where I once was a guy who new the punchlines to all he dirty jokes."

For anyone who does not have the luxury of being considered "witty" then learning a few inoffensive jokes is a must. This may not be as easy as it sounds as different people are offended by different things and some people are offended by almost anything. This not to say that there is not a time or place for the more colorful jokes.  These jokes should be avoid in public meetings, workplaces and when you first meet someone. Commonsense will go a long way in determining if a joke is safe to tell. Here are a few tips.

1) If the joke has offensive language which cannot be cleaned up then it should be saved for when you are with your friends.

2) Any joke that deals with any sexual situations or innuendos should likewise be avoided.

3) It should go without saying that racial jokes are big no. This also extents to nationality jokes as well. Telling a joke about a drunk Irishman or a penny-pinching Scot may seem harmless but people do take offense them just the same. Just because you are a member of a certain race or nationality does not give you the right to make self-deprecating jokes of that race or nationality.

4) Sexist jokes, whether about males or females, are also to be avoided.

5) You may think that blonde jokes, lawyer jokes or doctor jokes are safe to tell. If you do not know the professions of the people you are talking to, you may want to tread carefully.

Everyone should learn at least three inoffensive jokes to see them through any situation. To help with this task, three inoffensive jokes are listed below.

Joke 1

A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart which contained, among other things, a screaming baby. As the man proceeded along the aisles, he kept repeating softly, "Keep calm, Fred. Don't get excited, Fred. Don't yell, Fred."

A lady watched with admiration and then said, "You are certainly to be commended for your patience in trying to quiet little Fred."

"Lady," he declared, "I'm Fred!"

Joke 2

Why are there no romantic restaurants on the moon?  Because there is no atmosphere.

Joke 3

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Tucson theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.

The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."

Brian Goethe runs the website http://www.cleanandfunny.com and understands the importance of not offending people with a joke.