Dougie Poynter: 'I'll start dating men'

Friday, March 25 2011, 19:19 GMT

c Rex Features / David Hartley

Dougie Poynter has joked that he is going to start dating guys.

The McFly star, who entered rehab earlier this month after splitting from girlfriend Frankie Sandford, quipped that he might have more luck with men.

He told the Daily Record: "I'm moving on to guys. I'd pick Danny from McFly. Just to clarify, none of us are homosexuals. All of us are bisexual. It's a bisexual tour bus."

The 23-year-old said that he is not looking to start a new relationship but thinks a pet might cheer him up.

He commented: "I'm not looking at any other girls at this moment in time.

"I think I need a dog to make me feel better."

> Dougie Poynter 'shouldn't talk to Sandford'

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Kirby: Jokes about colonoscopy don't lessen its benefits

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Your message (click here): Please enter some message text. Published: 05:45 AM, Sat Mar 19, 2011Kirby: Jokes about colonoscopy don't lessen its benefits  Bill Kirby Jr.

Let's get ready to ... rumble!

Colonoscopy, here we come.

First things first, however.

We need to talk about this solution called Colsyte/Golytely/Nulytely/Trilyte, known by those of us who have undergone colonoscopies as self-induced diarrhea or something akin to a bowel volcano.

Primarily, it's the bowel cleanser on the eve of your scheduled colonoscopy, which is an internal examination of the colon and small bowel.

"During the preparation process," according to the Endoscopy Center of North Baltimore, "you are advised to have a bathroom nearby."

Having had three colonoscopies since age 50, with a fourth scheduled, allow me to reiterate.

Have a commode nearby, and about three hefty rolls of Cottonelle Aloe & E, too, because, so help me, you'll be needing 'em.

Some Glade air-freshener wouldn't be a bad idea either.

The colon cleansing solution comes in a variety of flavors, and you'll be downing about 10 full-size dinner glasses, or a half gallon of the salty solution, which is mixed in water.

I usually get through about four glasses, which is when Michael Buffer, the popular professional boxing and wrestling ring announcer, usually comes calling to announce the "main event."

"Let's get ready to ... rum ... ble!"

And, by God, you will roar.

All joking aside.

March is National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month, and, take it from Dr. John Poulos, colon or rectal cancer is no laughing matter.

"Colorectal cancer is the second overall cancer killer in the U.S.," says Poulos, a 48-year-old gastroenterologist, "and third leading cause of cancer death in each sex. However, it's one of the most preventable and curable types of cancers when detected early ..."

Colorectal cancers arise from pre-existing non-malignant polyps, most any gastroenterologist will tell you.

They can creep up on you.

"Most early colorectal cancers produce no symptoms," Poulos says.

However, symptoms such as the new onset of abdominal pain or weight loss and blood in stool may indicate the presence of colorectal cancer, he says.

Colorectal cancer affects men slightly more than women, and risk factors, according to Poulos, include family history of colon polyps, a history of inflammatory bowel disease, obesity, smoking, alcohol excess, and diets high in red meats and refined sugars.

Just so you'll know, a colonoscopy is about a 30-minute procedure.

You'll feel no pain.

Sedation is optional.

You should begin having colonoscopies at age 50, Poulos says, and black men and women should begin at age 45.

"The most important colonoscopy is the first one," Poulos says, and based on first-time results, recurring examinations can be between three to 10 years.

Cost is about $425, depending on your health coverage.

Read more from Poulos on my blog, The Gospel Truth, at www.fayobserver. com

Healthwise, you might call it a pain in the butt, but the procedure is priceless and could save your life.

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Kirstie Alley Rejects George Lopez's Apology

Kirstie Alley doesn’t forgive George Lopez for the insensitive comments he made on his late-night show on TBS.

Lopez made several jokes about the 60-year-old Alley following her performance on the latest episode of Dancing with the Stars. Most jokes were comparing the mother of two to a pig, which is a sore subject for anyone when it comes to weight.

In an effort to apologize to Alley, Lopez posted on his Twitter page, “I misjudged the joke. No malice was intended and I apologize to Kirstie.”

However, Monsters and Critics reports that Alley was none too happy with his apology and has no intention of accepting it.

She fired back with a Twitter post as well, writing, “I don't consider 'I misjudged the joke' an apology. sort of like a husband saying, 'I misjudged putting my d*** in a whore'...sorry hon...hehe.”

The Hollywood Reporter added that Alley then got personal and made a comment about Lopez’s ex-wife, who donated a kidney to the talk show host.

"I don't need or want ur apology...I want your kidney dude..on behalf of ur X and all the women uv insulted...give it back," Alley wrote.

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Fouts jokes about birth date lawsuit

Chuck Pleiness posts news about injuries, line combinations, transactions, who's starting and who's scratched. Follow the Red Wings along with Chuck Pleiness.

Political reporter Chad Selweski writes with a centrist point of view.

This blog, like the people and things that make Metro Detroit an interesting place to live, is a diverse place of posts that are meant to be informative but also entertaining, engaging and inspiring.

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New Windows Phone 7 app: ‘Steve Ballmer Jokes’

 The app's icon.

Microsoft wants people to make as many Windows Phone 7 apps as possible. “We don’t have any restrictions on how many fart apps,” Todd Brix, senior director of the Windows Phone marketplace, said in September. “We’ll let the consumers determine that. May the best fart app win.”

Indeed, just like the other popular mobile platforms, Windows Phone 7 has plenty of fart apps and other goofy time-wasters in its catalog of more than 11,000. But on Saturday, a new classic popped up in the Windows Phone marketplace: “Steve Ballmer Jokes.”

It’s exactly what it seems: a free app that cycles through gem after gem of funny jokes about Microsoft’s chief executive.

Of course, if you’re feeling spendy, you could always drop 99 cents on an app called “Developers Developers Developers,” which plays audio from Ballmer’s famous sweaty sermon.

Screenshots via MarketplaceBrowser.com

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Comedy's Tentative Return to Japan

The jokes Gilbert Gottfried and 50 Cent made on Twitter about the Japan earthqauke weren't funny. But could they have been? The BBC has made a largely theoretical case last week that"sick jokes" about tragic events can be a form of catharsis, assuming the teller can "distinguish well-intentioned satire from cheap nihilism."

A real-world illustration of this principle is currently underway in Japan, where ex-pat comedian Dave Spector is being praised by the press and public alike for his Twitter puns about the earthquake and the recovery. In a profile of Spector published in today's Japan Times, journalist Tomoko Otake marvels at how "many [readers] have retweeted (or forwarded) the jokes, saying Spector's attempt at humor amid the national crisis has brought them a sense of relief."

We can't tell what Spector's saying, because his tweets are in Japanese. Thankfully, the Japan Times provided translations and explanations for two of them. It's a thorough (very thorough) testament to the power of puns and empathy--some of these jokes take three paragraphs to explain.

Sukkari kirechatta mono: Kan-denchi" ("What has run out completely? Kan-denchi")

Kan-denchi is normally written with three kanji characters — kan (dry), den (electricity) and chi (pool) — and means "battery." Immediately after the quake, many shoppers hoarded packs of batteries fearing power blackouts would force them to rely on flashlights.

This caused a shortage of batteries all across Japan, especially in the Kanto area.

But by replacing the kanji for "kan" to the one for the prime minister's surname, Kan, Spector twisted the meaning of the phrase to mean that the prime minister had run out of energy — which was probably not off the mark as the Fukushima crisis is so enormous that it would sap anyone's vitality.

"Ima Amerika-gun ni Nihon ni tonyu shite hoshii kugunki: sento-ki." ("The aircraft I want the U.S. military to bring to Japan now: a fighter plane").

Instead of using the proper kanji characters meaning "fighter," he has written "sento" with a different set of kanji, meaning "public bath.

And in this way, Spector was reaching out to the tens of thousands of quake survivors at evacuation centers who had not been able to take a bath for days.

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"South Park" creators hit Broadway with Mormon musical

NEW YORK (Reuters) – It's sprinkled with jokes about Mormons discriminating against black people and repressed gay longings, but the creators of a new musical about Mormons say it won't attract the sort of religious controversy they are famous for.

One of the most anticipated musicals this Broadway season, "The Book of Mormon," satirizes the history of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, sexualizes the ritual of baptism and has plenty of politically incorrect jokes.

But "South Park" creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone say they have also created a heartwarming story of two young present day Mormon missionaries sent to Uganda who grapple with the relevance of their beliefs for Africans dealing with AIDS and the character of brutal warlord General Butt Naked.

"We didn't sit down and say, 'All right, let's bash Mormons, how should we do it? Let's spend seven years of our lives writing a Broadway musical so that we can rip on Mormons," Parker quipped. "We really wanted to just make a very traditional, classic musical."

While the musical may not get the pair the sort of death threats, show cancellations and religious controversy their animated hit TV show "South Park" has invited over the years, Parker and Stone say the lighter musical fare is still far from PG-rated and no jokes were deemed too much for Broadway.

"If you can't watch an average episode of "South Park" with your kids, you probably shouldn't bring them to the musical. But it's by far not the rawest or filthiest thing we've ever done. We could do much more," said Stone.

LAUGHS FROM MORMON FACTS

The pair behind the film "Team America: World Police" first found success with the 1993 film, "Cannibal! The Musical" based on confessed cannibal Alfred Parker. Then came the animated TV show "South Park", whose controversies included mocking the Church of Scientology, the Catholic Church, and depicting the Prophet Muhammad in a bear suit.

The Mormon church, which has been scrutinized in U.S. popular culture through the TV series "Big Love" and in politics through 2008 Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney, said the musical was just a show.

"The production may attempt to entertain audiences for an evening, but the Book of Mormon as a volume of scripture will change people's lives forever by bringing them closer to Christ," church spokeswoman Kim Farah said in a statement.

Stone, 39, said he has had little feedback from Mormons, but initial worries that the show might upset the tight-knit community have proven unfounded, so far, based on response from a few weeks of previews, blogs and stories in the media.

"It feels like the whole attitude is changing. People are starting to get it," he said.

The musical, which opens on March 24, begins with a bunch of clean-cut Mormon men in Salt Lake City, Utah dressed in typically white, starched shirts learning how to knock on doors, and goes on to include an entertaining look at how Joseph Smith Jr. founded the church.

Parker and Stone cite a song called "I Believe" in the second act as an example of how the show mixes humor about the beliefs of Mormons with warmth for the two main characters, including rising actor Josh Gad as a bumbling missionary.

"It's this whole song that gets huge laughs, but it doesn't have a single joke in it," Stone said. "It's just interesting, idiosyncratic things that Mormons believe, but at the same time it is a really heartfelt song from a devout Mormon, so it isn't really just laughing at this person. It works on both levels."

The pair hopes the audience comes in with no presumptions.

"This is a musical and it's a little bit of a different experience than a 22-minute animated show," said Stone. "We always thought if people could get past what they thought about what we usually do, that we could get them to the point where they understand it."

(Editing by Jill Serjeant and Bob Tourtellotte)

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