'It's a hairpiece!' Justin Bieber jokes about his famous do

Justin Bieber broke millions of hearts around the world last night when he declared his 'Bieber barnet' to be a FAKE.  Justin Bieber

But fans of the pint-size pop star can breathe a sigh of relief - the claim was just one of a string of jokes he cracked on a US chat show.

Bieber, 17, had David Letterman's audience in stitches as he read out a list of ten pretend facts about himself.

Reading out the final 'fact', the teen singing sensation pointed to his famous 'do' and declared: "It's a hairpiece."

Bieber, who is dating Disney star Selena Gomez, also jokingly stated he had served eight months behind bars for siphoning gas and claimed he bought a four-slice toaster when he 'hit it big'.

He told the studio audience his real name was 'Green Lantern' and said he was 'not really a big fan' of actor Kevin James.

The Hitch star, who was also a guest on Letterman's chat show, pretended to look crestfallen as cameras cut to him backstage.

Cracking gags about his age, Bieber pointed to host David Letterman and said: "My Mom had to remind me that he's not Larry King."

"As hard as I've tried, I don't know how to not be adorable," he quipped.

"Last week I accidentally waited in line for two hours for my own autograph."

Bieber also got in a plug for his new perfume, Someday, claiming it 'makes a delicious low-calorie salad dressing'.

"I begged my publicist to get me out of this," he added.

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Keller @ Large: What Jokes About President Obama Are Appropriate?

 

Reggie Brown impersonates U.S. President Barack Obama during a comedy sketch at the 2011 Republican Leadership Conference on June 18, 2011 in New Orleans, Louisiana. The 2011 Republican Leadership Conference features keynote addresses from most of the major republican candidates for president as well as numerous republican leaders from across the country. (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

BOSTON (CBS) – This past weekend, comedian Reggie Brown impersonated President Barack Obama at the Republican Leadership Conference.

Here is a link to C-Span’s coverage of the events.

The subject itself is very touchy, and with a tough campaign looming, it’s a relevant question: Which Obama jokes are appropriate and acceptable and which are not?

You’ve got to admit, Brown does resemble the president. And for the most part, he aimed his jokes at standard presidential targets.

WBZ’s Jon Keller is at large:

“I figured I’d do what any great president would do in these trying times: head down to Louisiana and polish up on my golf game,” said Brown, during the performance.

It’s not hilarious, but an OK joke, the kind of crack the president himself might laugh at.

“My favorite month is February, Black History Month. Michelle, she celebrates the full month, and I celebrate half,” said Brown.

That’s a reference to the fact that the president is the product of a racially-mixed marriage, a topic Obama himself has joked about in the past.

But, there’s a way to joke about that appropriately, and this isn’t it:

“My father was a black man from Kenya. My mother was a white woman from Kansas. So yes, my mother loved a black man, and no, she was not a Kardashian,” said Brown.

That strikes me as not OK. It’s a crass remark that borders on demeaning. A politician’s deceased relatives are never a tasteful topic for humor.

Add your own take below. Caveat: no one (in their right mind)?is calling for censorship; just a voluntary committment to good taste, an increasingly rare commodity these days.

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Democratic candidate for agriculture commissioner apologizes for jokes about Eastern Kentucky

FRANKFORT — The Democratic nominee for the state's top agriculture job apologized Tuesday for jokes he made about people in Eastern Kentucky during a comedy routine.

Clips of the comedy performance by Bob Farmer, a Louisville marketing executive running for commissioner of agriculture, were included in an Internet video posted by his opponent, Republican state Rep. Jamie Comer of Tompkinsville.

In the video, Farmer makes jokes about Eastern Kentucky during a performance at the Derby Dinner Playhouse in Clarksville, Ind.

Farmer joked that Eastern Kentucky is a place where "cars are on blocks and houses are on wheels." He says someone told him the FBI would not investigate a particular county "cause all the DNA is alike and there ain't no dental records."

Farmer goes on to say that people in Eastern Kentucky did not trust him because he had shoes on and had all of his teeth.

"I sincerely apologize if my comments offended any of my fellow Kentuckians," Farmer said in a written statement. "Over the years I have spoken across the country to groups and shared my love for our commonwealth and its people and hope that people see these comments as an attempt at humor not an insult."

Farmer, who has been a marketing executive and public speaker since 1982, said in an interview that he has done the comedy routine for nearly 25 years. No one has ever complained, he said.

"I apologize if it offends anyone," Farmer said in the interview. "I don't want to offend people."

Farmer issued the apology after the Republican Party sent out a news release on Tuesday demanding that Farmer apologize.

"If the Kentucky Democratic Party does not renounce this fool's ridiculous little routine, it will lose every bit of credibility with voters," said Steve Robertson, the Republican Party chairman. "To Bob Farmer I would say this: don't quit your day job ... whatever it is. You will not be Kentucky's next agriculture commissioner."

Farmer said Republicans wouldn't have made the comedy routine an issue if they weren't worried.

"When did they lose their sense of humor — when I got 15 points ahead?" Farmer said.

Farmer, who has never farmed, beat four Democratic opponents in the May primary. A CN|2 poll conducted earlier this month showed Farmer leading Comer 48 percent to 33 percent, despite never having run for political office. At the time of the poll, Comer dismissed Farmer's lead, telling CN|2 that people think either that Bob Farmer is current Agriculture Commissioner Richie Farmer or that he farms.

Comer defeated Shelby County Judge-Executive Rob Rothenburger by a nearly 2-to-1 ratio in the Republican primary.

Farmer said the remarks were taken from a DVD of some of his speeches and comedy routines that was released in 2006. Farmer said he expected the Republicans to make those comments an issue in the campaign.

"If this is all they have to hang their hats on ... I mean, come on," Farmer said.

Dan Logsdon, the chairman of the Kentucky Democratic Party, said Tuesday that Farmer's comments were not funny.

"Mr. Farmer has apologized for his offensive remarks, which he needed to do," Logsdon said. "His comments were neither funny nor appropriate."

Farmer is the spokesman for the Farmers' Almanac and frequently travels the country giving speeches and doing comedy routines. Comer is a cattle rancher who was first elected to the state House in 2001.

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Groupon CEO Andrew Mason Jokes About Google's Groupon Killer

Peter Kafka, On Wednesday June 1, 2011, 5:00 pm EDT

Last night Google showed off a would-be Groupon killer, which combines daily deals with its Android mobile platform.

So what do you think of that, Andrew Mason?

“I gotta say, the Buzz integration is just seamless,” the Groupon CEO tells Kara Swisher onstage at the D9 conference. Cue much laughter.

OK, but seriously. What do you think about Google’s efforts, and everyone else’s, to take you on? “As much as I personally hate it and want to kill everybody, I think competition is great for consumers,” Mason offers up. “I hope they push the space forward. i’m more passionate about the space, and the way that people buy locally, than i am about the success of Groupon.”

Throughout the interview, Mason alternates between earnestness and slapstick. For the latter, see his response to any question he doesn’t want to answer, like: When are you going to IPO? Or: Why didn’t you sell your company for $6 billion to Google? Mason’s trick, which is a good one, is to say nothing while clenching his teeth and starting straight ahead, twitching. It’s unnerving and funny, and seems to go over well with the audience.

Eventually Mason does try to answer the Google M&A question, and lapses into platitudes. And then he corrects himself again: “This is why I don’t like answering the questions. Because I immediately start saying bullshit”

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Jane Lynch Gets Her Jokes in About Palin, Beck and Even Her Castmates

Glee star Jane Lynch stepped in as acting News Corp. CEO to open the techie D9 conference, and no one was safe from her joshing.

The real News Corp. CEO, Rupert Murdoch, was out of the country on business in China.

"As acting CEO, I'll be making some changes while the powers that be are abroad," Lynch said, according the Hollywood reporter.

Even her co-stars were a part of her jokes. Lynch saud she was going to launch a Fox News investigation into the young cast of Glee because she thinks one of them isn't an American citizen.

Then she went on to people in the political game: First up, Fox's Glenn Beck, whose show is ending at the end of June.

"I've also convinced Glenn Beck to stay on at Fox for one final gig - as a dying patient House, with a horrendous malady. His sickness is consuming him from the inside out," she said. "I'm pretty sure we got Sarah Palin to do a guest spot on Glee. She'll perform an original tune I penned: 'Look at Me, I'm Bats--t Crazy ... I feel pretty good about these changes," said Lynch.

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Chavez Condemns U.S. Sanctions, Jokes About 'Missiles' Pointing at Washington

Published May 31, 2011

| Associated Press

CARACAS, Venezuela -- President Hugo Chavez mocked U.S. concerns about Venezuela's ties with Iran on Tuesday, joking that while his adversaries worry about Iranian-made missiles lining his country's coast his government is actually erecting windmills there.

The socialist leader at first said missiles could be launched at Washington and other U.S. cities, then held up a photograph of windmills along the South American country's coast, saying "here they are."

"They are pointing directly at Washington," Chavez joked during a meeting with top government officials that was broadcast on state television.

Chavez -- an outspoken critic of Washington's foreign policy -- has previously poked fun at fears over Venezuela's increasingly close relationship with Iran, saying that in a joint bicycle factory the two countries are building the "atomic bicycle."

Chavez also condemned U.S. sanctions against Venezuela's state oil company for doing business with Iran.

President Barack Obama's administration slapped sanctions on PDVSA and six other companies from other countries for doing business with Iran that helps fund its nuclear program. The State Department said PDVSA delivered at least two cargoes of refined petroleum products worth about $50 million to Iran between December and March.

Venezuela's close ties with Iran have raised concerns among officials in Washington, who believe Iran is working on a nuclear weapons program.

Chavez has staunchly defended Iran's nuclear energy program, saying it is for peaceful uses only.

Under the sanctions announced last week, Petroleos de Venezuela, or PDVSA, will be barred from any U.S. government contracts, U.S. import-export financing, and export licenses for sensitive technology. But PDVSA will not be banned from selling oil to the United States or dealing with its U.S. subsidiaries.

Chavez said his government is preparing contingency plans to confront the possibility of more severe sanctions.

He did not provide any details of the contingency plans, but Energy Minister Rafael Ramirez has hinted that PDVSA could seek to accelerate initiatives aimed at diversifying PDVSA's clientele, exporting more crude to China and other countries to reduce Venezuela's dependence on the United States.

Venezuela is one of the United States' main suppliers of petroleum.

View the original article here

Hugo Chavez condemns US sanctions over Iran, jokes about missile being pointed at US

CARACAS, Venezuela — President Hugo Chavez mocked U.S. concerns about Venezuela’s ties with Iran on Tuesday, joking that while his adversaries worry about Iranian-made missiles lining his country’s coast his government is actually erecting windmills there.

The socialist leader at first said missiles could be launched at Washington and other U.S. cities, then held up a photograph of windmills along the South American country’s coast, saying “here they are.”

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“They are pointing directly at Washington,” Chavez joked during a meeting with top government officials that was broadcast on state television.

Chavez — an outspoken critic of Washington’s foreign policy — has previously poked fun at fears over Venezuela’s increasingly close relationship with Iran, saying that in a joint bicycle factory the two countries are building the “atomic bicycle.”

Chavez also condemned U.S. sanctions against Venezuela’s state oil company for doing business with Iran.

President Barack Obama’s administration slapped sanctions on PDVSA and six other companies from other countries for doing business with Iran that helps fund its nuclear program. The State Department said PDVSA delivered at least two cargoes of refined petroleum products worth about $50 million to Iran between December and March.

Venezuela’s close ties with Iran have raised concerns among officials in Washington, who believe Iran is working on a nuclear weapons program.

Chavez has staunchly defended Iran’s nuclear energy program, saying it is for peaceful uses only.

Under the sanctions announced last week, Petroleos de Venezuela, or PDVSA, will be barred from any U.S. government contracts, U.S. import-export financing, and export licenses for sensitive technology. But PDVSA will not be banned from selling oil to the United States or dealing with its U.S. subsidiaries.

Chavez said his government is preparing contingency plans to confront the possibility of more severe sanctions.

He did not provide any details of the contingency plans, but Energy Minister Rafael Ramirez has hinted that PDVSA could seek to accelerate initiatives aimed at diversifying PDVSA’s clientele, exporting more crude to China and other countries to reduce Venezuela’s dependence on the United States.

Venezuela is one of the United States’ main suppliers of petroleum.

Copyright 2011 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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Cheryl Cole Jokes About 'X Factor' Ouster

Cheryl Cole is bouncing back after getting the boot from both the U.K. and U.S. versions of Simon Cowell's reality show, The X Factor.

"Listen, from her texts today she’s absolutely fine," her fellow judge on the British show, Louis Walsh, told Cosmo U.K. Wednesday.

"She’s going to be fine. She’s tough on the inside… actually she’s tough on the inside and soft on the outside," said Walsh while laughing.

"You have to be tough in this business. Cheryl has been through so much, she’s under public scrutiny whenever she goes out," he added.

They did find one thing to joke about her short tenure on the show: her bright outfit (see left) that she wore to U.S. auditions, which Walsh has been taking jabs at to cheer her up: "I told her I’m not wearing purple flares or backcombing my hair. She has a good sense of humor so she laughed."

Next plans for Cole?

"She’ll probably do a tour with Girls Aloud, she can do anything she wants. She’s young and she’s gorgeous. And I’ve nothing but good things to say about her," said Walsh. "She has a great career, she loves music, she loves dance and she’s got Will.i.am, she can make great music.”

Walsh says he'll miss her and Dannii Minogue on the judges' table.

"We’re all going to miss the glam factor from Cheryl and Dannii - those two were like peacocks on a Saturday night," he told Cosmo.

When asked if he'd bring her back, he said no: "I’d have Sharon Osbourne back, she was fun and feisty she would have been brilliant, absolutely brilliant.”

Cole's thick accent, weight and low profile in the U.S. are have all been cited as reasons for the departure, but neither the star nor her reps have made any comment.

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Nix the Fat Jokes About Christopher Schwarzenegger; Ever Hear of Puberty?

COMMENTARY | I've been following the Maria Shriver-Arnold Schwarzenegger drama. I'm concerned about Maria, but also Christopher, the agemate of Patty Baena and Arnold's love child. Recent pictures in Radar of Maria and kids prompted "fat kid" jokes about Christopher (see comments section at the end of the article).

There's a good idea; focus on the boy's weight. Make rude remarks about a kid who is already struggling. Parents divorce, dad's infidelity and now finding he has a brother his own age and it's not his mom's child. Because Christopher's weight is so relevant to the issue?

Having celebrity parents isn't easy. Mr. Universe may be a great body builder, but it must not be easy to live with. Especially if you are going through that awkward age. At age 13, you could look like a Greek god and you'd still have things you hate about yourself. It comes with the territory. The only way out is through.

To have a constant reminder of physical perfection (aka dad) in your face constantly would make any teen miserable. To be constantly compared to dad's sculpted physique when your own body and hormones are in major upheaval would be devastating.

Before people start with the "chunky," "chubby," "fat" and "overweight" labels, let me just call to mind a little thing called puberty? In many families, children between the ages of 8 or 9 and 15 or so, go through a pudgy stage.

Call it baby fat or midriff bulge, some kids go through adolescent weight gain. Those kids may have been normal-sized or even skinny as little kids, it doesn't matter. What's important is that they will pass through that chubby phase and emerge thin. The duckling becomes the swan.

Even some doctors don't get puberty changes. They compare kids to charts rather than looking at family biometrics or just common sense. Our older son went through a fat time. We were seeing a chiropractor who said that I should put him on a 1,500 calorie diet. I spoke with an herbalist friend and told her about the doctors concerns. She advised me that if I put him on a diet now, when he might get too thin as he finished growing.

She explained that the body makes that "puppy fat" as a reserve for growing. Sure enough, when he went to Canada with Grandma and Grandpa that summer, he shot up and dropped about 20 pounds.

It helps if parents encourage good eating habits and exercise. It helps if parents model healthy lifestyles. But even if the kid plays video games, sleeps all the time and drinks too much Mountain Dew, the transformation often still happens. It especially happens, if this is a normally active kid who gets good nutrition. Kids are inordinately lazy in puberty, because their bodies are developing. All that change is exhausting.

My second son spent most of his 13-year-old summer crabby, reading in bed and playing Runescape. We knew that this wasn't usual for him and attributed it to puberty. He came back to school having lost about 30 pounds. His classmates didn't recognize him.

I personally think the chubby age is a lovely time in a person's life. I've been a middle school teacher for years and met hundreds of kids. At that age, kids are enthusiastic, eager and full of ideas. They are learning to be caring and compassionate. Just by looking at the photo, with his mother on his arm, I think Christopher must be a pretty neat kid.

Marilisa Kinney Sachteleben writes from 22 years parenting four children and 25 years teaching K-8, special education, adult education and home-school.

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Weinergate: The Best Late-Night Jokes About Rep. Anthony Weiner's Twitter Scandal

New York Rep. Anthony Weiner has become the butt of late-night jokes after nearly-nude photos were sent via his Twitter account to a 21-year-old college student.

At first, the politician tried to downplay "Weinergate" by saying his Twitter account had been hacked. But he released a statement Wednesday admitting the photo -- of a man wearing just boxer shorts -- may be actually of him.

When asked on MSNBC if the photo was him, Weiner said, "You know, I can't say with certitude. My system was hacked. Pictures can be manipulated, pictures can be dropped in and inserted."

Joked Jon Stewart on Comedy Central's the Daily Show Wednesday: "I'm not certain of a lot of things. But there are three things in this world that I know for certain: Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie. OJ killed those people. And what my erect penis looks like in my own underwear from a bird's-eye view."

Stephen Colbert also got in on the action: "I see only two options here: Either Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of, or 'Certitiude' is his nickname for his penis."

Late Late Show host Craig Ferguson also mocked Weiner. "Congressman Weiner's Twitter account was hacked 'allegedly,' and someone texted a picture of his 'junior senator'? to a college girl. Now this is good news for me because I can Google 'wiener photos' at work and not get fired."

Weiner has downplayed the scandal, which broke over Memorial Day weekend, as a joke too.

"Tivo shot. FB hacked. Is my blender gonna attack me next?" he posted on Twitter with hashtag "#TheToasterIsVeryLoyal."

He also posted on the microblogging site, "Touche Prof Moriarity. More Weiner Jokes for all my guests!"

On CNN Wednesday, he said, "When your name is Weiner, it goes with the territory.”

But, Weiner, who is married to Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin, admitted, "There are photographs of me in the world, yes."

The photos first showed up on conservative blog Breitbart.com.

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Chavez jokes about missiles

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Cowell jokes with Dec about replacing him

'Britain's Got Talent' judge Simon Cowell jokingly seemed to refer to Cheryl Cole on last night's semi-final of the show when he commented "That's showbusiness."1 of 1 

He made the quip referring to the possibility of one of the acts replacing co-presenter Declan Donnelly saying "Ant and Les has got a nice ring to it. As we know, that's showbusiness."

PA reports that Dec responded by saying "He's got it right in for the Geordies this week" with Cowell replying: "I'm in so much trouble tomorrow."

Earlier this week it was announced that Cole would be leaving the US version of 'X Factor' and would not be returning to the UK show either.

 

Everyone's replaceable!

Impressionist Les Gibson received the most public votes to secure a place in the final. His performance included impersonations of Lord Sugar, Gordon Ramsay, Ross Kemp as well as Ant and Dec.

Comic Michael McIntyre said: "I could listen to it all night. You are a real threat in this competition."

The second spot in Saturday's final was a battle between bell ringers and a ballet dancer. Husband-and-wife team Alan and Gay Cooper received one judge's vote, from Holden, who said: "One of the main prizes is to perform in front of the royal family and this year the Queen, and I am going to choose what I think she would like to see at the Royal Variety."

A clearly surprised Cowell voted for dancer James Hobley saying he was "going to take everything back to planet Earth." McIntyre and David Hasslehoff also backed the dancer and he will perform again on Saturday night.

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Chavez condemns US sanctions, jokes about missiles

By CHRISTOPHER TOOTHAKER, Associated Press Christopher Toothaker, Associated Press – Tue?May?31, 9:53?pm?ET

CARACAS, Venezuela – President Hugo Chavez mocked U.S. concerns about Venezuela's ties with Iran on Tuesday, joking that while his adversaries worry about Iranian-made missiles lining his country's coast his government is actually erecting windmills there.

The socialist leader at first said missiles could be launched at Washington and other U.S. cities, then held up a photograph of windmills along the South American country's coast, saying "here they are."

"They are pointing directly at Washington," Chavez joked during a meeting with top government officials that was broadcast on state television.

Chavez — an outspoken critic of Washington's foreign policy — has previously poked fun at fears over Venezuela's increasingly close relationship with Iran, saying that in a joint bicycle factory the two countries are building the "atomic bicycle."

Chavez also condemned U.S. sanctions against Venezuela's state oil company for doing business with Iran.

President Barack Obama's administration slapped sanctions on PDVSA and six other companies from other countries for doing business with Iran that helps fund its nuclear program. The State Department said PDVSA delivered at least two cargoes of refined petroleum products worth about $50 million to Iran between December and March.

Venezuela's close ties with Iran have raised concerns among officials in Washington, who believe Iran is working on a nuclear weapons program.

Chavez has staunchly defended Iran's nuclear energy program, saying it is for peaceful uses only.

Under the sanctions announced last week, Petroleos de Venezuela, or PDVSA, will be barred from any U.S. government contracts, U.S. import-export financing, and export licenses for sensitive technology. But PDVSA will not be banned from selling oil to the United States or dealing with its U.S. subsidiaries.

Chavez said his government is preparing contingency plans to confront the possibility of more severe sanctions.

He did not provide any details of the contingency plans, but Energy Minister Rafael Ramirez has hinted that PDVSA could seek to accelerate initiatives aimed at diversifying PDVSA's clientele, exporting more crude to China and other countries to reduce Venezuela's dependence on the United States.

Venezuela is one of the United States' main suppliers of petroleum.

View the original article here

Leno jokes about Arnold love-child situation

LOS ANGELES - Arnold Schwarzenegger's affair continues to be fodder for the late-night shows.

Thursday night, Jay Leno compared the former Governor to another politician.

"How about the maid?" laughs Leno. "This woman kept their love child a secret for 14 years. Today, John Edwards said, 'Why can't I meet a chick like that?'"

The Tonight Show host also predicted this is not the end of Arnold's entertainment career.

"As you know, there is a certain protocol you have to follow in scandals like this," Leno joked. "You know what's going to happen next. Arnold will check into a sexual-addiction clinic and next season, the maid will have won 'Dancing With the Stars.' It's the American way!"

(KUSA-TV c 2011 Multimedia Holdings Corporation)

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GM jokes about NBA lottery fix

Today's must-see content delivered straight to you.

There are at least two sides to every story, so one can wonder whether David Stern will see the humor in David Khan's comments about the lottery after another Minnesota loss. [Kahn] was standing there with Utah General Manager Kevin O'Connor and 14-year-old Nick Gilbert -- the son of Cleveland Cavs owner Dan Gilbert and a young man battling a rare nerve disorder. "I did tell [O'Connor] ... as soon as the 14-year-old kid joined us, we were toast," Kahn said. "There was no way the 14-year-old was about to be denied in a league that has a habit of compelling story lines." He was joking, folks. Kahn was not suggesting that Cleveland's getting the top pick right after losing LeBron James -- and with a first-round choice acquired in a trade with the Clippers! -- was anything other than lottery luck. (Star Tribune) Comment

Currently on vacation, Sidney Crosby will reportedly meet with his concussion specialist, Dr. Michael Collins, before the end of the month. Assuming he sticks to his plan to be back in town by then, that is. [Ray] Shero said Crosby "has been on vacation for a couple of weeks," apparently including a trip with some teammates to the Cannes Film Festival in France. Crosby, who didn't play after Jan. 5 because of a concussion, had been participating in some no-contact practices and game-day skates during the Penguins' first-round playoff series last month against Tampa Bay. He was, however, advised at one point by Collins to stay off skates for about a week. They were supposed to meet and evaluate Crosby's workout regimen April 28, but the Penguins season ended April 27, eliminating any need for that session. (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) Comment

Add another log on the smoldering Cardinals-Reds fire, this one carried by Tony La Russa, who didn't take kindly to Reds broadcaster Marty Brennaman's assessment of his team. On Monday, Brennaman called [Chris Carpenter] a "whiner and excuse-maker" on the air. He also referred to [Dave Duncan] as "infantile." Duncan was among those on the Cardinals bench yelling at Cordero during the game. Brennaman said that the Cardinals "might be the most disliked team in baseball." ... Before the Cardinals' game Tuesday in St. Louis, manager Tony La Russa noted that Brennaman is in the broadcasters' wing of baseball's Hall of Fame. "He earned the right to get into the Hall of Fame," La Russa said. "And now he ought to keep earning that respect instead of abusing it." Animosity between the teams has built quickly in the past year. (Chicagobreakingsports.com) Comment

Mavericks fans were feeling true blue before Game One of the Western Conference Finals against the Oklahoma City Thunder at the American Airlines Center in Dallas. (Photo by Jerome Miron/US Presswire)

The Bruins and Lightning combine for 11 goals in a wildly entertaining Game 2.

The Heat try to bounce back against the Bulls in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals, 8:30 p.m. ET, TNT

SI Vault: More Mickey Mantle 1897 -- William Joyce of the NY Giants hits record four triples in game1933 -- The first Major League All-Star Game announced for July 6 at Comiskey Park as part of the Chicago World's Fair1942 -- New York ends night baseball games for World War II1956 -- Mickey Mantle homers from each side of the plate for third time.

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Les Moonves Jokes About Charlie Sheen ‘Drama’ at CBS Upfronts Event

NEW YORK -- CBS Corporation CEO Leslie Moonves and network entertainment president Nina Tassler said little about the events that have been rocking CBS for the past several months.

But at a pre-upfront press breakfast Wednesday at CBS headquarters, Moonves did allow that the very public and very bitter dispute between Two And a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre and the series' now erstwhile star Charlie Sheen has made for an eventful year.

"We've had a little drama in our lives," said Moonves, who joked that he's been "chased out of restaurants" all over Los Angeles in a futile effort to avoid answering questions about Sheen.

New episodes of Warner Bros. Television's Two And a Half Men will be back on CBS this fall - the comedy's ninth season - with Ashton Kutcher replacing Sheen.

Tassler was mum on how Sheen would be written out of the show or Kutcher written in. Lorre and Kutcher are scheduled to take the stage together later Wednesday at the network's presentation to advertisers at Carnegie Hall.

"We are so excited to have Ashton," said Tassler. "And we know they have a master plan for the character, ...but we'll have to wait to hear about it. (Lorre) has picked something fabulous."

Tassler said the network is "very excited" about the upcoming transition "because we are a forward thinking company."

"Chuck is over the moon. And don't forget we have an extraordinary cast who are at the peak of their game," she added. "[Kutcher] is a great addition. We’re thrilled.”

Email: Marisa.Guthrie@thr.com
Twitter: @MarisaGuthrie

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Lars Von Trier Announces "I'm a Nazi," Jokes About Hitler, Jews, Final Solution

 Jean Baptiste Lacroix/FilmMagic 

Update: At the behest of Cannes officials, the director was asked to provide an explanation for his statements, and issued the following comment via the festival's website.

"The director states that he let himself be egged on by a provocation. He presents his apology."

____

Controversy-monger and maker of occasionally watchable films Lars von Trier shifted into shock-jock mode today during the Cannes press conference? for his film, Melancholia.

Really kicking it up a notch, the experimental filmmaker responded to a question about the "Nazi aesthetic" with some gems. "I understand Hitler. I think he did some wrong things, yes, absolutely," said the director. "I sympathize with him a little bit."

Yeah, these are what he considers jokes, people. Read on for more hilarity.

RELATED: The latest from Cannes

About 35 minutes into the press conference, the director's standup routine kicked into gear after a question about comments he'd once made about the Nazi aesthetic.

"I thought I was a Jew for a long time. I was very happy being a Jew. Then later on came Susanne Bier [Oscar winning Jewish, Danish director] and then suddenly I wasn't so happy being a Jew. Uh no, that was a joke. Sorry," he said, later adding. "I really wanted to be a Jew and then I found out I was really a Nazi, because my family was German. Which also gave me some pleasure.

"What can I say? I understand Hitler. I think he did some wrong things, yes, absolutely," he said. "He's not what you'd call a good guy, but I understand much about him and I sympathize with him a little bit."

At one point, it appears that a visibly uncomfortable Kirsten Dunst touches Von Trier to perhaps get him to stop talking. Nice try.

The director wanted to be clear on a few points. "But come on, I'm not for the Second World War. And I'm not against the Jews," he said. "I am of course very much for Jews. No, not too much, because the Israeli's are a pain in the ass, but still...How can I get out of this sentence?"?

Then he finds his way out: "OK. I'm a Nazi."

Earlier in the press conference, Von Trier had also joked that his next project was a three-to-four hour "porn film" featuring his Melacholia stars Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg, who shared the press conference stage with him. He even insisted that there would be "lots of uncomfortable sex," thereby upping the ante on offensive content.

But back to his "A" material, the Nazi stuff. When asked if he'd like to get away from doing his small, art house films, he replied, "Yeah, we Nazis have a tendency to try to do things on a greater scale. Yeah, maybe you could persuade me [to do] The Final Solution—with journalists."

Despite his attempt to craft killer material out of the work of genocidal killers, not everybody's laughing. Abraham A. Foxman, spokesman for the Anti-Defamation League, tells The Hollywood Reporter that von Trier "seems to be struggling with some personal ghosts. This is one way I guess he resolved them, in a very, very bizarre way....It was a diatribe with a crescendo that got worse."

"I'm struggling," Foxman says. "I don't know where one begins. Asking for an apology? Where do you start?"

True, where would you start? It's always funny until somebody—or six million somebodys—gets murdered.

PHOTOS: Cannes 2011: Star Sightings!

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Former anchor Geha jokes about job at schools forum

Former anchor Geha jokes about job at schools forum | wzzm13.comAnd this one we actually haven't heard before, from Dean Greiner.

There's a small town on the southern Oregon coast with two claims to fame: a research facility doing studies on porpoises and being the winter home for a small circus. The circus animals are very old and inactive. On the other hand, researchers have found that feeding seagulls to the porpoises will let them live forever. The only drawback is the porpoises have to be fed at exactly the same time each day (bear with us here).

One day, a researcher found an older lion lying on the trail to the beach. Since he had to feed the porpoises at a specific time, he leaped over the lion and got to the shore.

The next day, the sheriff presented an arrest warrant to the

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Bloomberg Jokes About Doomsday On Weekly Radio Show

NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg Jokes About Doomsday On Weekly Radio Show ? CBS New York /* */var current_url='http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2011/05/20/bloomberg-jokes-about-doomsday-on-weekly-radio-show/';var fauxfb_api_key='b7bbef52b4e804eeda359d5429afec02';var fauxfb_template_bundle='148100721870411';var blog_link='CBS New York';var current_link='Bloomberg Jokes About Doomsday On Weekly Radio?Show';var xd_receiver='http://newyork.cbslocal.com/wp-content/themes/vip/plugins/faux-facebook-connect/xd_receiver.php';#wwWrapper { overflow: hidden; }#wwWidget { background: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin-bottom: 5px; overflow: hidden; padding: 5px; width: 170px; }#wwWidget img { float: left; padding-top: 2px; }#wwWidget span#wwTemp { color: #566064; display: block; float: left; font-size: 25px; font-weight: bold; height: 20px; letter-spacing: -1px; padding: 0 8px 0 3px; }#wwWidget span#wwHiLo { color: #566064; display: block; float: left; font-size: 10px; letter-spacing: 0; margin-top: 2px; }#wwWidget a { color: #3478c8; float: left; font-size: 10px; text-decoration: none; width: 90px; }#wwWidget a:hover { text-decoration:underline;}#wwWrapper a#wwTrafficLink{ background:url(http://s1.wp.com/wp-content/themes/vip/cbs-local/images/car.png) no-repeat left; padding-left:30px;font: normal 11px Arial; text-decoration:none; color:3478c8; margin-left:15px;}#wwWrapper a#wwTrafficLink:hover{text-decoration:underline;}.hide-if-no-js {display: none;}AutosHomesLocal EventsBuy Team Gear63°H: 76° L: 56°Current Forecast ?View Traffic

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Von Trier jokes at Cannes about Nazi roots

CANNES, France, May 18 (UPI) -- Controversial Danish director Lars von Trier joked about his family's Nazi roots at a Cannes film festival press conference promoting his film, "Melancholia."

Von Trier's film credits include "Breaking the Waves," "Dancer in the Dark," "Dogville" and "Manderlay." His latest movie stars Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg.

The Hollywood Reporter said the filmmaker, who is known for his dark humor, was asked about his Germanic roots at a Cannes news conference Wednesday and responded to the surprise of the journalists, Dunst and Gainsbourg: "For a long time I thought I was a Jew and I was happy to be a Jew, then I met [Danish and Jewish director] Susanne Bier and I wasn't so happy. But then I found out I was actually a Nazi. My family were German. And that also gave me some pleasure. What can I say? I understand Hitler … I sympathize with him a bit."

Von Trier went on to say: "I don't mean I'm in favor of World War II and I'm not against Jews, not even Susanne Bier. ... In fact, I'm very much in favor of them. All Jews. Well, Israel is a pain in the ass but …Now how can I get out of this sentence? OK. I'm a Nazi."

Queried later about whether he would like to make a film on a larger scale, he replied: "Yes. We Nazis like to do things on a big scale. Maybe I could do 'The Final Solution,' " The Hollywood Reporter said.

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