Late-night jokes: Great Wall of China seen as model for improved U.S. security on Mexico border

As The Ticket's 67,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,900 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the "share" buttons above.

Fallon: Two women were arrested for stealing $600 in cheese from Whole Foods. $600 in cheese! That’s like…two pieces of cheese from Whole Foods.

Letterman: This is the anniversary of the Great Wall of China. We often say what’s the deal with these Chinese? But in all honesty, since they built the Great Wall, not one Mexican has sneaked in.

Fallon: New York City is cutting $10 million from its school cleaning budget. Some janitors have been forced to cut back to, like, 30 keys.

Conan: A new study says U.S. dads are spending twice the time with their kids as before. Experts say it's due to a sweeping trend called “unemployment.”

Leno: Congratulations to the new NBA champion Dallas Mavericks. They had a huge parade there, almost as big as the one in Cleveland.

Conan: LeBron James said the Heat's NBA finals loss feels like “a personal failure.” Then someone explained to LeBron that it is a personal failure.

Leno: Did you see the riots in Greece -- burned cars, sacked stores? Not about taxes. Just Canadian tourists still angry over Vancouver’s Stanley Cup loss.

Letterman: More signs that LeBron James is not taking the Heat's loss well. Today he demanded to see Dirk Nowitzki’s birth certificate.

Leno: Yup, the Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup. They said the key to their victory was not signing LeBron James.

Fallon: Happy Birthday to Donald Trump, born 65 years ago! Sweet. Today Obama sent him a nice Hallmark card that said, ‘Prove it.'

Conan: The good news: Congressman Anthony Weiner finally resigned. The bad news: He made the announcement shirtless on Skype.

Fallon: Sad news: 85-year-old Hugh Hefner and 25-year-old Crystal Harris called off their wedding Apparently, she wanted someone a little younger and so did he.

Leno: Today is the 40th anniversary of the War on Drugs. Our Mexican partners observed it with a moment of silence -- and then hours of laughter.

Leno: Did you see the picture of House Speaker Boehner and President Obama after their golf game? Boehner was crying over his score and Obama was giving a list of reasons why his score was better than it looks.

Fallon: The most popular Father's Day gifts this year: iPad accessories. I got my Dad a leather case, a screen protector and a new charger. If he ever gets an iPad, he's SET.

Leno: President Obama says he's not worried about a double-dip recession. He says it's just that there are not enough recovery jobs. A recovery not producing enough jobs is called a recession.

Fallon: Charlie Sheen is developing a new TV sitcom written for himself. And it's moving pretty quickly. I heard they’ve already picked the actor who’ll replace him.

Conan: Reports that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is engaged. Zuckerberg said he's excited and can’t wait to actually meet her.

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-- Andrew Malcolm

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Photos: Charles Dharapak / Associated Press; Wisconsin Dairy.

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Obama Impersonator On ‘Offensive’ Jokes: ‘I Think That Obama’s Got A Great Sense Of Humor’

The now well-know impersonator of President Obama, Reggie Brown, appeared on MSNBC to discuss being yanked from the stage over the weekend at a Republican conference when his jokes started targeting Republicans. Brown wasn’t too upset that he didn’t get to finish his routine, since he said his jokes aim to entertain all audiences, no matter their politics, and especially since he still collected his paycheck regardless.

Brown confirmed that during a sound check he ran through his material and no one seemed to have a problem during the rehearsal. Yet apparently with a live audience of Republicans, organizers realized his jokes were hitting too close to home.

And responding to criticism that some of Brown’s jokes were offensive and borderline racist, Brown said he didn’t cross the line and didn’t know how anyone could call it racist. Especially since he believes Obama has “a great sense of humor,” Brown plans on making many more appearances in future. Although it seems likely Republicans will be one group not demanding an encore performance.

Watch the clip from MSNBC below:

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Arnie is great fodder for Twitter predators

 Arnie fans are dealing with the scandal over his secret son through humour. Picture: AP Source: PerthNow

AFTER the shocking news that Arnold Schwarzenegger - former Governor, bodybuilder, action hero, Terminator - has fathered a child with his housekeeper, people are consoling themselves the only way they know how.

With jokes. Many jokes.

Some are in poor taste. Others aren’t funny. But there is no shortage to people taking one of the most imitated men on the planet and finding a comedic angle on the scandal.

US comedian Conan O’Brien used in his opening monologue to go to town on Schwarzenegger, and he didn’t hold back.

“My name is Conan O'Brien, but I can now publicly call myself Arnold Schwarzenegger Jr.,” he opened with.

“Its me, actually I am the guy!"

“In a statement Arnold said…I am truly sorry there are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused, and then he said “but enough about jingle all the way ..."

You can watch the rest of it here:

Ground zero for all public scandal related jokes is social networking sites, particularly Twitter. Below, news.com.au has rounded up some of the best.

One of the top tweets was this offering from George Takei – best known as Hikaru Sulu from Star Trek.?

 

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Tips for Telling Great Jokes

A joke is a way of telling interesting and funny situations in a form of short stories to make people laugh. Telling jokes is a great way of communication and is considered an art. By reading this article you may not learn this art fully, but can manage to tell jokes without frustration. Here are some rules to pay attention when telling jokes.

A good joke;

has the superior quality of humor.
contains a positive and pleasant with. A good joke teller avoids destructive,corrosive jokes which targets a specific region or group.
is told in the right time and right place.
does not contain profanity, obscenity, and slang.
comes naturally during the topic. A successful communicator does not attempt to search for subjects for his joke, or jokes for subjects. The jokes should follow the subject very naturally.
makes people laugh.

Before starting to tell a joke, make sure that you are in the right place. It is better to summarize a joke in a few sentences. There is no need for unnecessary details. The teller should not interrupt telling his joke with laughing attacks. Laughing should come from the listeners.

A good joke teller must have rich collection in mind. A few jokes in mind will not be enough to make them laugh repeatedly. One of the most important things is that if you do not have the ability to imitate, you should avoid doing it. Similarly if the joke requires dialects of a language, it will be a good idea skip this part if you are not good at speaking this dialect. Because even the actors have several rehearsals until they are ready to act their role. The same ones should not be told to the same people in different times and places.

Listening is another art and a good habit that lead to success. Trying to tell jokes to people who do not know how to listen would be a waste of time. Whenever a joke is told to you, do not attempt to tell another one in return and transform the chat into joke telling session. Jokes are composed of a preparation and result section. To interrupt the telling process, may impair the effect of the joke.

For more information on the online funny jokes, visit my site to download the best jokes book directly to your computer.

Great Examples of Best Man Speech Jokes and One-Liners to Make Your Speech Funny and Entertaining

Best man speech jokes are used to make a best man speech more funny and entertaining to the wedding guests. Not all of us has a wicked sense of humor, but keeping a few tips in mind can help you to prepare and deliver a stunning and entertaining speech. Normally it is expected of the best man to be funny and hilarious and roast the groom. The golden rule of any best man speech is to have the perfect mixture of humor and sentiment. It is up to you to make sure you deliver a memorable speech and keep the guests entertained. Lets have a look at some Do's and Don'ts of Best Man Speech Jokes.

Do's Of Best Man Speech Jokes

- Keep your jokes short, catchy, funny and to-the-point

- Practice your jokes beforehand on some friends

- Vary your voice when telling jokes and use different facial expressions

- Build up to the punchline of your jokes steadily and slowly

- Deliver your jokes at the right moment - Critical!!

Don't of Best Man Speech Jokes

- Don't litter your speech with jokes

- Don't use any rude or crude jokes in your speech

- Don't use any jokes relating to sex. religion or politics

- Don't tell any embarrassing jokes or stories about the couple

- Don't use old, rehashed and cliched jokes

Great Best Man Speech One-Liners

It is usually best to start your speech with a funny and punchy one-liner. This will act as a great ice-breaker and set the mood for the rest of your speech. One liners are perfect, because they are short and to the point. Make sure the one-liners you use flow easily and naturally into your speech. Tie your one-liners to the groom or couple and put your personal touch to it. Here is a few examples of one liners you can use in your speech:


"Before marriage a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it." - Helen Roland

"In order to be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little; To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all."

Use Some Funny Best Man Speech Jokes

When using jokes in your speech be careful and make sure they don't embarrass or offend anyone. Keep your jokes clean, classy and in good taste. The groom is probably your best friend and should remain so even after your speech. Pick jokes related to the wedding and make sure your deliver them with a bang! Here is some funny best man speech jokes you can use in your speech:

Marrying a man is like something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get home, but it doesn"t always go with everything in the house." - Jean Kerr
Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them. - Sydney Smith

When you deliver your best man jokes put a smile on your face and humor in your voice. Give the guests some time to enjoy your joke before moving on with your speech. Best man speech jokes and one-liners are the perfect way to include some humor in your speech to make if funny and entertaining.

For more funny and hilarious best man speech jokes as well as wedding speech templates,one liners, and meaningful wedding quotations visit http:/www.weddingspeechesand toasts.net for all the resources you need to write an amazing and entertaining best man speech in just a few minutes!