The sexy little software that spots smutty jokes

Many years ago, there was a cricket match between the West Indies and England. (Cricket's a little like baseball, only takes longer and often no one wins.)

The radio commentators were talking about a bowler (pitcher) called Michael Holding. The batsman (hitter) was Peter Willey. One of the commentators then said, quite naturally: "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey."

After a nanosecond of silence, the whole commentating crew was reduced to monstrous giggles. They couldn't stop. There was nothing they could do. Because, well, one of them had suggested that the bowler was holding something very personal belonging to the batsman.

These little word plays tend to please boys without end. It's one of the things that distinguishes boys from arrogant twerps of metal like Watson, IBM's sad little Jeopardy player.

Talking of computer science (thank you for your patience), it seems that two boffins at the University of Washington have created software that actually, finally manages to detect a little nuance of smut beneath the skirts of a seemingly innocent sentence.

Chloe Kiddon and Yuriy Brun say their creation can detect all of those jokes so beloved by the recently departed Michael Scott from "The Office"--yes, the "that's what she said" jokes.

According to the New Scientist, these two have created a wonderful way for computers to finally stand with us in a bar and guffaw while holding a large beer.

The wording of the scientists' research abstract is really quite something: "We identify a subproblem--the 'that's what she said' problem--with two distinguishing characteristics: (1) use of nouns that are euphemisms for sexually explicit nouns and (2) structure common in the erotic domain."

Well, of course. I wish I could have put it that way myself. What they did was try to find every possible word that substitutes for every possible smutty noun and then cross-reference them with the way people, ahem, insert a little gentle filth into language.

Because I am an idealist, I want to believe that this software--which is called Double Entendre via Noun Transfer, or DEviaNT--is perfect. I want to believe that I could tell it anything remotely double-entendrish and it would titter on cue.

My idealism rarely gets me anywhere. For, though I am sure theirs is a deep and worthy quest, there is some way to go. The New Scientist says there was a 70 percent success rate (with the scientists themselves claiming that with just a little better data, they could push this to 99.5 percent).

However, the scientists' abstract says: "Experiments on Web data demonstrate that our approach improves precision by 12 percent over baseline techniques that use only word-based features."

I assume, therefore, that computers are 12 percent closer to being a little funnier--or rather to knowing when some fickle human is trying to be a little funnier.

Some might wonder whether this is all worth it, especially as double-entendres don't ever stand still. They seem to expand into new areas, with new nuances being thrust upon old words.

As if to nudge my suspicion, one paragraph from the scientists' work made me laugh, perhaps unreasonably: "Let SN be an open set of sexually explicit nouns. We manually approximated SN with a set of 76 nouns that are predominantly used in sexual contexts."

Will you be doing any manual approximation today?

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Obama Jokes About Birth Certificate Controversy

WASHINGTON, May 1 (UPI) -- President Obama's birth certificate took center stage during his appearance Saturday night at the White House Correspondents Dinner in Washington.

He was introduced with the song "Real American" with shots of the certificate cut into a South Park-style montage, Politico reported. The president also said he really wanted to put the issue of his birth to rest -- and showed a brief clip from the Disney cartoon "The Lion King."

Obama also took aim at Donald Trump, who has become of the country's best-known "birthers" in the past few weeks and a possible Republican candidate for president next year.

"Now, I know that he's taken some flak lately, but no one is prouder

Donald Trump not amused by jokes at White House Correspondents Dinner

 Donald Trump was the target of many of President Obama and Seth Meyers' jokes at the White House Correspondent Dinner.

The Donald was not amused.

Donald Trump, who sat stonefaced as he was roasted unmercifully at the White House Correspondents Dinner, had little good to say Sunday about the shindig.

"The content I understand, but the amount of jokes? I was amazed at the number," Trump said.

He said he didn't think any of the jokes were particularly funny, but assumed the mockery Saturday night was a sign of his growing political clout.

"When you're leading the polls, I guess that's the one you shoot at," he said. "I was honored by the fact that they devoted most of their speeches to me."

President Obama and the headlining comedian, Saturday Night Live's Seth Meyers, sent up birth certificate conspiracies and unleashed a barrage of ridicule at Trump's hair, accent, ties, taste and TV show.

"I thought Seth's delivery was terrible. He had marbles in his mouth," Trump said. "His presentation was not good. The president was far superior."

Frequent C-Span cutaways to Trump, who was sitting at the Washington Post's table, showed the eccentrically-coiffed mogul never even pretended to be laughing along.

He stared straight at the stage, gimlet-eyed, as the ribbing mounted and his dining companions squirmed.

The whole thing "was so awkward that some folks at his table stopped laughing and applauding," according to Politico's Mike Allen.

The rest of the room, however, roared at each new joke.

"Donald Trump has been saying he will run for president as a Republican, which is surprising because I just assumed that he was running as a joke," Meyers said.

"Donald Trump often appears on Fox, which is ironic, because a fox often appears on Donald Trump's head."

In particular, Obama doubled over when Meyers theorized that Trump's comment about his "great relationship with the Blacks" must have been about a white family called the Blacks.

Trump said he thought the biggest laugh went to Obama's cartoon mock up of what the White House would look like if Trump won office: a garish pink neon sign advertising the "Trump White House: hotel, casino, golf course and Presidential Suite" with bikini babes frolicking in a hot tub on the north lawn and the stately portico columns repainted gold.

For the record, Trump said President The Donald would not be redecorating.

"We have much more important problems," he said.

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Obama takes on allies and opponents with correspondents' dinner jokes

A feisty President Obama took on both his political opponents and allies in a joke-filled speech at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner in Washington on Saturday.

The president stepped off the dais as he was being introduced just before 10 p.m. and his monologue opened with a pre-produced music video, which took some shots at the controversy surrounding his place of birth.

The song: "Real American" by Rick Derringer.

For those who don't remember the tune from Hulk Hogan's WWF entrances, the chorus is, "I am a real American, fight for the rights of every man." On the video screens around the packed Hilton ballroom, images of Obama's recently released long-form birth certificate were spliced with various clips of Americana.

“My fellow Americans,” he said with a big smile after the video ended. “Mahalo.”

Since the White House released the official copy of his birth certificate, Obama has made jokes about the "birther" theory that questions whether he was born in the United States, and he expanded on them in his speech.

“Just in case there are any lingering questions, tonight I am prepared to go a step further," the president said. "Tonight for the first time I am releasing my official birth video."

When the videotape rolled for the audience, it was a clip from Disney's animated film "The Lion King," showing a newborn cub on the African plains.

“Oh well, back to square one,” Obama quipped.

Before long the president tried to turn the tables on Republicans who are considering challenging him in 2012.

First up was Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota.

"She is thinking about running for president, which is weird because I hear she was born in Canada," Obama said. "Yes Michele this is how it starts; just letting you know."

Next came former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty.?

"He seems all-American, but have you heard his real middle name?" Obama asked. "Tim Hosni Pawlenty, what a shame."

The recently returned ambassador to China, John Huntsman was next up.?

"There's something you didn't know about John: He didn't learn Chinese to go there, oh no, he learned English to come here," Obama said.

The president took a shot a former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, too, although it wasn't about his citizenship.?

"Then there's a vicious rumor floating around about Mitt Romney. I hear he passed universal healthcare when he was governor of Massachusetts," Obama said.

But the president saved the bulk of his jokes for Donald Trump, the real estate mogul and reality TV star who had been aggressively questioning Obama's place of birth.

Now that the birth certificate issue was settled, Obama said, Trump, who watched expressionlessly from the audience, could focus on other well-known conspiracy theories, such as "did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?"

Obama followed up with a quip about the decisions Trump had to make on his show, "Celebrity Apprentice."

"These are the kind of decisions that would keep me up at night," the president said.

Obama didn't spare his supporters from scrutiny. He even made a joke about first lady Michelle Obama and her anti-obesity campaign.

"We made a terrific team at the Easter Egg Roll this week," he said. "I give out bags of candy to the kids, and she'd snatch them right back out of their little hands."

The president also noted that he had let down his "his key, core constituency: movie stars."?

"Matt Damon said he was disappointed in my performance," Obama said. "Well, Matt, I just saw 'The Adjustment Bureau,' so right back at you, buddy."

The jokes about Hollywood didn't stop there. In the most complex gag of the night, the president had some fun at the expense of Vice President Joe Biden, as well as himself.

With a slickly produced mock-movie trailer, Obama introduced a new film called "The President's Speech," which shows what would happen if Congress had defunded the president's teleprompter.

The video was filled with a series of clips of Obama flubbing lines at various real-life tapings, and the voice over says, "In his darkest hour, the president turned to a man who never let prepared remarks stand in his way ..."

Some of Biden's more memorable comments followed, with the narrator adding, "It's mostly just this for two hours."

Watch "The President's Speech Trailer" below:

 

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Donald Trump's witty comeback to Seth Meyers' jokes? 'He's a stutterer'

 "The Celebrity Apprentice" host and proposed presidential candidate, Donald Trump, has issued his "I know you are, but what am I?" response to "Saturday Night Live's" head writer and cast member Seth Meyers' roasting of him at the White House Correspondents Dinner.Politico.com reports that Trump called into "Fox and Friends" on Sunday (May 1) and had a few words to say about Meyers' rolling joke train at his expense.?"I thought Seth Meyers -- his delivery frankly was not good," Trump says. "He's a stutterer."Trump used his poker face while both Meyers and President Obama took their humorous shots at the real estate mogul. But, apparently, still waters run deep. ?"I didn't know that I'd be virtually the sole focus," Trump says of the speeches. "I guess when you're leading in the polls that sort of thing tends to happen. But I was certainly in a certain way having a good time listening. I don't think the American people are having a good time with $5 gas. ... I was thinking to myself as they were doing this, you know, the American people are really suffering and we're all" having fun at a gala.Do you think the common American's plight would have entered Trump's mind had Meyers and Obama not made him the butt of their jokes?If you missed what Meyers had to say about Trump, watch it below (at about 2:10 in):

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Cast of 'The Office' jokes with Warren Buffett

OMAHA, Neb. – Billionaire Warren Buffett recruits the cast of television's "The Office" to entertain Berkshire Hathaway shareholders.

In a humorous video that opened Saturday's annual shareholder meeting, the cast of "The Office" participated in a skit introducing Buffett as the successor to Steve Carell's character.

Buffett told employees of Dunder Mifflin's Scranton office that he thought the company could produce a significant turnaround once Carell's character left. But Carell didn't seem to catch the insult because he said Buffett's speech pattern had lulled him to sleep.

When another Dunder employee asked the 80-year-old Buffett for some of his elixir of youth, the billionaire said only Class A Berkshire shareholders get that. Class A shares sell for about $125,000 apiece.

Buffett's friend Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared in a cartoon spoof of his "Terminator" films.

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Obama's Funniest Jokes From The White House Correspondents' Dinner

May. 1 2011 - 11:56 am | 5,318 views | 1 recommendation |  Image via Wikipedia

President Obama came out swinging at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on Saturday, taking shots at Donald Trump, Michelle Bachman, Fox News and even Matt Damon. Here are a few of his funniest quips:

1. He took the podium to a song usually reserved for Hulk Hogan’s WWE entrances: Rick Derringer’s “I am a real American.”

2. “What a week. As some of you heard the state of Hawaii released my official long-form birth certificate. Hopefully, this puts all doubts to rest. But just in case they’re any lingering questions, tonight I’m prepared to go a step further. Tonight, for the first time, I am releasing my official birth video.” The screens then plays the scene from Disney’s The Lion King when Mufasa, atop a cliff, lifts Simba up as the other animals in the savannah look on. Afterward, Obama said, “I want to make clear to the Fox News table that was a joke. That was not my real birth video. That was a children’s cartoon. Call Disney if you don’t believe me, they have the original long-form version.”

3. “Now, I know that he’s taken some flak lately but no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that’s because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter, like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?

4. “All kidding aside, we all know about your credentials, and your breadth of experience. For example, on a recent episode of Celebrity Apprentice, at the steakhouse, the men’s cooking team did not impress the judges from Omaha Steaks. And there was a lot of blame to go around, but you, Mr. Trump, recognized that the real problem was a lack of leadership. And so ultimately, you didn’t blame Lil Jon or Meatloaf, you fired Gary Busey. These are the kinds of decisions that would keep me up at night. Well handled, sir! Well handled.”

5. “I’m very much looking forward to hearing Seth Meyer tonight. He is a young fresh face who can do no wrong in the eyes of his fans. Seth, enjoy it while it lasts.”

6. I even let down my key core constituency: movie stars. Just the other day, Matt Damon–I love Matt Damon, love the guy–Matt Damon said he was disappointed in my performance. Well Matt, I just saw the Adjustment Bureau so right back at you buddy.

7. “Michele Bachmann is here. She is thinking about running for president, which is weird because I hear she was born in Canada. Yes, Michele, this is how it starts.”

8. Where’s the National Public Radio table? [NPR cheers] You guys are still here, that’s good. I couldn’t remember where we landed on that.

9. Obama screened the? trailer for “The President’s Speech,” a “King’s Speech” parody based on the premise that GOP budgets cuts reduced funding for the president’s teleprompter and making Obama’s public addresses extremely difficult. In the trailer, Obama, of course, turns to the gaffe-proned Joe Biden to help him overcome his public speech impediment.

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Citigroup pulls Ben Stein speech after hearing he made sexist jokes

Citigroup scrapped a keynote speech by political commentator/actor Ben Stein after they received a complaint that he made sexist jokes about women at a private-equity conference in Texas earlier this year. The decision was made after a woman emailed vice chairman of Global Banking Peter Orszag (who was President Obama’s former director of the Office of Management and Budget) and said Stein had been “offensive and irresponsible” at a March 2 Dallas event, reports Bloomberg.

The financial services company asked Stein to speak at their upcoming New York event for pension and endowment funds. “We have decided to present the conference without Mr. Stein’s participation,” said Danielle Romero-Apsilos, a spokeswoman for the bank. In an interview, Stein said his jokes were mischaracterized and that the business didn’t give him a phone call before canceling his appearance.

“I’ve been in this speaking-gig business for a number of years, I’ve told these jokes before, and I have never gotten one syllable of complaint,” Stein said. “I don’t think any woman in the world would call me a misogynist. For this woman to say this is just fantasy…When I was finished with this speech, dozens of women in the room came up to me and wanted their pictures taken with me, wanted autographs from me. Dozens of them. I got fan mail from women who had been at the group saying how much they liked the speech.”

“I am delighted that Citi has taken this action,” said Lynda Villarreal, the woman who filed a complaint against Stein. “It shows their corporate leadership and respect for women in the financial industry as well as their clients.”

Citigroup, which was accused in a gender-discrimination lawsuit last year of being an “outdated boys club,” scrubbed the Stein’s speech Tuesday to avoid being tied to any disturbing remarks, a source told Bloomberg.

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Obama jokes about birth certificate

WASHINGTON, May 1 (UPI) -- President Obama's birth certificate took center stage during his appearance Saturday night at the White House Correspondents Dinner in Washington.

He was introduced with the song "Real American" with shots of the certificate cut into a South Park-style montage, Politico reported. The president also said he really wanted to put the issue of his birth to rest -- and showed a brief clip from the Disney cartoon "The Lion King."

Obama also took aim at Donald Trump, who has become of the country's best-known "birthers" in the past few weeks and a possible Republican candidate for president next year.

"Now, I know that he's taken some flak lately, but no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald," Obama said. "And that's because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter, like, 'Did we fake the moon landing?' 'What really happened on Roswell?' And 'Where are Biggie and Tupac?'"

Obama also took aim at Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Wis., saying he missed the dinner because his proposed budget has "no room for laughter." And he dismissed actor Matt Damon's criticisms of his job performance by remarking he has seen "The Adjustment Bureau."

The president also showed a clip of bloopers by Vice President Joe Biden, saying that when his teleprompter malfunctioned he turned for help "to a man who never lets prepared remarks stand in his way."

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Joan Rivers' 10 Best Royal Wedding Jokes

The Royal Wedding provided plenty of fodder for?Joan Rivers on Friday night's special one-hour edition of E's Fashion Police. The comedienne ripped into friends and family of Prince William and Kate Middleton?for various fashion faux pas but she had some backhanded compliments for members of the wedding party as well.

PHOTOS: What Kate Middleton and famous guests wore to the wedding

Princess Beatrice, whose beige wedding hat inspired a popular Facebook page, made the top of Rivers' list with the comedienne comparing the pretzel-like topper to a birth control device. Elton John's portly frame also caught Rivers' eye as did the bride's mother Carole Middleton, whom Rivers compared to actress-director Penny Marshall.

STORY:?Princess Beatrice's Royal Wedding Hat Generates 79,000 Facebook 'Likes'

Rivers had positive reviews for Kate Middleton, the new Duchess of Cambridge, and for Queen Elizabeth II, for whom she created a new term -- "QUILF."

1. Princess Beatrice
"She is so desperate to get married but she is wearing an I.U.D. on her head.?The hat is like she's trying to make funnel cakes."

2. Pippa Middleton
"The dress is too sexy. You know Kate tried this on first and said 'Too sexy, too sexy! Take it back.' And Pippa said, 'Not so fast bitch, I'm single.'"?

3. Carol Middleton
"Looks like penny marshall but younger and female."

4. Guy Ritchie
"People were asking why was he invited -- I found out because the Queen's favorite movie was Snatch."?

5. Elton John
"Victoria (beckham) is pregnant but she isn't as far along as Elton John."

6. Kate Middleton
"I like that she did her own makeup, which kind of blows my mind 'cause I have a makeup girl come in when i just even go shopping online."

7. Prince Harry
"They were proud of William and they were going 'Thank god that Harry isn't doing one of his underarm fart sounds."

8. Princess Eugenie
"I was going to say something wrong and bad about that but poor Eugenia because she almost didn't go at all but the mice and birds in the palace got together and made that dress and look how pretty she looks."

9. Camilla Parker Bowles
"I think she looks terrific. And they're so happy. Look at their faces, they're smiling. You know they're just saying, "Thank god he is out of the castle. We can turn this bedroom now into a love dungeon."

10. Queen Elizabeth II
"She looked hot for a queen. Instead of a MILF she was a QUILF."

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Why the need for racial 'jokes'?

The election of Barack Obama as president was a historic moment for a nation that, by law, once considered African-Americans as less than human, as property.

While our nation has come far since slavery was abolished in 1865, certainly racial divides, and racism, still exist.

With Obama, most of the millions of Americans who would hope to elect someone else as president feel that way because of the substantive philosophical/policy differences they have with him. In his just over two years in office, he has made plenty of decisions that can easily be questioned and criticized.

So then, with all the legitimate reasons that exist for taking issue with Obama's presidency, we wonder why it is that there are still those Obama opponents who want to lower the dialogue to the most distasteful level possible.

In California, a Republican Party official and Tea Party activist in Orange County ?Marilyn Davenport ?is under fire for the doctored photo she emailed to others that has Obama's face superimposed onto the body of an ape with text beneath the caption that reads, ?Now you know why no birth certificate.?

At first, Davenport's reaction to the story in a weekly newspaper about the ?joke? photo she had sent out prompted her to call on the ?coward? who leaked the photo to come forward. Now, with all the attention and after condemnation by fellow Republicans, Davenport is apologizing, but refusing to resign from her committee seat with the Orange County GOP.

Davenport ought to resign, even if the only reason she does so is because it's what would be best for her party.

But the broader question of importance here is, why are there still people who want to go beyond opposing Obama because of what he stands for and what he has done while in office to knocking him down by playing on old fears about people of different backgrounds?

Before we continue down this road, we must acknowledge the nasty nature of some of the criticisms of our previous president, George W. Bush. Because race wasn't so much an issue with Bush, some of the foulest things said and written about him didn't generate much attention.

Presidents are subject to the harshest of critiques these days. Perhaps it's just indicative of an overall change in our society; an illustration of how reverence and respect for a high office such as the presidency have gone by the wayside in this digital age in which it's easy to slam someone and hide in anonymity.

But with Obama, there's still a disturbing degree of racial and religious animus just under the surface among some who oppose him. It becomes visible when Obama is equated to a primate, when he's branded a Muslim because of his name, when he's derided as being an illegitimate American by the ?birthers.?

Aren't there more important things ?real issues affecting our nation ?to worry about? Aren't there better ways to criticize the president and have it resonate than going after his heritage?

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Gov. Scott Jokes About Fear Of Alligators

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. -- Fresh from a tour of the Florida Panhandle, Gov. Rick Scott on Friday joked about a whopper of a fish story he told while promoting the region's recovery from last year's devastating oil spill and kidded about his fear of alligators. The governor gave employees of the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission a light-hearted rundown on his Panhandle trip earlier this week during a visit to the agency's headquarters. While touring from Panama City to Pensacola, Scott caught fish, ate seafood, walked on the beach in his cowboy boots and shopped for an anniversary gift for his wife, Ann. "I caught a 40-inch redfish," Scott recalled. "On national TV I did say `40 foot.' And somebody corrected me." Scott, though, said it still was the biggest fish he'd ever caught. The tour, which included frequent stops for media interviews, was designed to spread the word that the fishing is good, the seafood is safe and the beaches are clear of oil from BP's Deepwater Horizon well, which exploded a year ago this week in the Gulf of Mexico off Louisiana. Scott said Florida's the perfect place for outdoor activities such as bird watching, fishing, hunting and just communing with nature. "My least favorite though is our alligators," Scott acknowledged. "I don't want to be close to them that much." He later added, though, that he'd be "receptive" to shooting one if that would help promote Florida. Employees gathered outside the commission's Tallahassee headquarters to meet with the Republican governor, a former hospital chain CEO. Scott has been making similar visits to various state agencies since taking office in January. One staffer asked Scott if his 82-year-old mother, Esther Scott, who campaigned for him last year but then went back home to Kansas City, Mo., would be moving to Florida. That gave Scott an opening to crack wise again. "For my wife, remember, she's a mother-in-law, but she's a wonderful person," Scott said. "She of course wondered what part of the (governor's) mansion she'd have to move to. ... My wife said she'd get back to her on that." Scott, though, said his mother, who is recovering from hip surgery, may be making frequent visits to Florida but plans to continue living in Kansas City where she's near other family members. Copyright 2011 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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YouTube springboard for young US comic

 YouTube hit: US musical comedian Bo Burnham. Picture: Supplied. Source: Supplied

AS HIS friends trotted off to college, Bo Burnham, 20, hit the road. The US comic had spent his last high school years posting comedy songs on YouTube and the number of views had quickly multiplied to the tens of millions.

"I started writing little songs for my friends as jokes and I wrote jokes lyrically much easier [than stand-up] so I wrote a full song and posted it online and it took off," he recalls.

In 2008 he was invited to Montreal's Just For Laughs festival and hasn't looked back. For Burnham, the craft is all in the writing. And that's an evolving process. Meeting people like our own musical comedians Tim Minchin and Tripod has helped him mature and influenced him.

"[They] really opened my eyes up as to what musical comedy can be, rather than just a dude sitting up there singing songs," he says.

? -------------------------------------------------

Metro Theatre, 624 George St, City; tomorrow 7.30pm, $44, 9020 6966, sydneycomedyfest.com.au

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Real Madrid's Sergio Ramos jokes- Fans at fault for Copa del Rey drop

 Cristiano Ronaldo, Real Madrid (PROSHOTS)
Real Madrid defender Sergio Ramos has jokingly blamed fans after the Copa del Rey became the Copa del Ruin when it was crushed to pieces by a bus.

The Spain international was celebrating Madrid's 1-0 cup final win over Barcelona with the rest of the team as their open-top bus traveled through the Spanish capital.

But he lost grip, the trophy fell under the bus, and the inevitable happened as the driver was unable to stop in time.

However, Ramos has seen the funny side.

He said on his twitter account: "What happened with the cup was a misunderstanding. I did not drop it, it jumped when it saw all the excited Madrid fans."

Luckily for him, and Madrid, the cup makers confirmed a replica trophy has been made.

Federico Alegre, who owns the jewelers who make the cup, said there were no problems.

"Since 05:30 this morning [Thursday] Real Madrid have a trophy in perfect condition which they can show the fans," he told EFE TV.

"There is always a plan B for these cases."
?
Madrid won the cup thanks to a Cristiano Ronaldo header in extra-time against the Catalan club.

Follow Goal.com on  to get the latest soccer news directly. Check out Goal.com's  page; be part of the best soccer fan community in the world!

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Which Comedian Steals Jokes from Internet Comments? [Blind Items]

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Laugh Lines

    Lincoln orders a blockade of the South, and Union forces abandon two arsenals.

A Room for Debate forum on what can save imperiled plants and animals if the Endangered Species Act can’t.

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Tim Pawlenty and Mitt Romney telling jokes: The video anthology

 AP/Charlie Neibergall/Alex Brandon

The worst part of any presidential campaign is actually listening to the candidates. They drone on, endlessly, repeating the same talking points in the same stump speeches, for months. Many of them are very poor public speakers. Most of them, actually. And then, there are their jokes.

Not all of the potential presidential candidates tell bad jokes. I don't think Ron Paul tells any jokes (the rEVOLution is nothing to laugh at!), thank god. Mike Huckabee is actually charming and funny, with a natural sense of timing, as you can see in this clip from a 2004 Republican Governors Association meeting, in which he does a passable God-themed Bob Newhart telephone routine. (But sometimes his ad-libs are a bit questionable! And other times the p.c, police can't handle some harmless gun violence-themed campaign humor.)

But my favorite presidential jokesters -- the two wackiest cards on the campaign trail -- are former governors Tim Pawlenty, R-Yuksville, and Mitt Romney, R-Laffsachusetts. Let's start with Tim:

Here is Tim Pawlenty telling a funny joke about America hitting Barack Obama's car with golf clubs, or something:

More recently, Pawlenty attempted to tell a series of "topical" jokes about the Lady Gaga and the Justin Bieber that the kids are so into these days:

When Pawlenty is off-script is when his wit truly shines. Just watch him attempt "banter" on Fox & Friends:

Yes, "tubing in the polls." Very funny. Makes a lot of sense, as a joke.

Tim Pawlenty also likes to talk about his "red-hot smoking wife." Unfortunately, while she may be hot, she also refuses to have sex with him:

That is a very good joke and not at all just an incredibly weird thing for a presidential candidate to say.

Speaking of normal human behavior, pander-bot Mitt Romney has sampled what you Earth creatures call "humor" as well. He is not very good at it. But, admirably, he tries very hard. He has told so, so many jokes. This is a joke about Mitt Romney trying to win a sheep, I think. I don't actually get it:

Here is Mitt Romney telling like three jokes. He starts with one right from his "jokes for public speaking" book and then spends like three minutes setting up a very lukewarm baseball joke. (And then he tells one of those popular jokes about how his wife would rather have sex with someone else. Republicans: Their hot wives are not attracted to them, am I right?)

Romney has even tried some non-wife-related self-deprecating humor:

Of course, the only genuinely funny thing Mitt Romney has ever said/done was this:

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Funny Republic

Monday, April 25th, 2011 15:27:00  SPOT ON: Harith raved about Malaysians’ ability of choice (chaos), versus Singaporeans’ need for rules (organisation)

JOKES on Singapore is in. Now that would be the conclusion one could make as the message seemed to ring loudly at 'Com-edy Club: April Foolery and Fun' last week.

Whether the jokes (or bits of reality) were told by Troy Kinne, Mary Bourke or Harith Iskander; it all worked. Who can blame the majority Malaysian crowd? We do love to hear the negative sides of our family across the southern border - and are not reluctant to admit it.

Although the crowd started packing the club way before starting time at 8.30pm, the show only started half an hour later (a case of Malaysian time perhaps).

Hosted by Josiah Mizukami, the show opened with the an-tics of Melbournian funnyman Troy who got the crowd in a" TGIF mood" with his take on Singapore - and promptly got the crowd eating from the palm of his hands from that moment onwards.

Besides the jibe on the Lion City and its citizens, the ex-land-scape gardener got the crowd going with his take on relation-ships - from his ex-girlfriends and parents, a universal problem that we all face and relate to regardless of our nationality, race or culture.

Troy's easy, breezy humour and expressions gave audience a chance to laugh their lungs out many times during his half-an-hour stint, but it was his personal experience entertaining the Aus-tralian Defense Forces troop in East Timor that was among the more memorable moments.

Troy's frolics set the bench mark for the evening and when Mary Bourke came on stage, it was difficult to imagine that she could top the Australian's com-edy routine.

With a name like Mary and her dressed like a proper, ladylike teacher, it felt like she was going to give the audience a lesson in-stead.

Armed with a Dan Brown book and Sudoku puzzle, Mary too jumped on the anti-Singapore bandwagon, comparing 'Kuala Lumpar's Brickfields' to the likes of "Paris in Springtime."

Born in Dublin during a cross fire hurricane, the wispy comedian also shared her thoughts on the com-plexities of relationships - with par-ents as well as partners.

Her love for books (she has also published numerous romantic novels) was ruined by the many 'wikipedia' moments in the routine. The comedian's finest moment was when she gave the audience a quick lesson on 'Yo Mama' jokes - which were intelligent, cur-rent and witty.

It was also amusing to see her play Sudoku everytime the crowd applauded and it was difficult to believe that this comic writer was once an ex-Burlesque dancer and choreographer.

Last (but certainly not least) on stage was Harith, who was the headliner for the April' edition of the Comedy Club. Harith, opened his act with a little anti-Justin Bie-ber sentiment and then went straight into the heart of the mat-ter - Singaporean jokes.

He raved about Malaysians' ability of choice (chaos), versus Singaporeans' need for rules (or-ganisation). As expected, these jokes worked like a charm on the audience, even the Singaporeans in the club looked amused.

Harith's actions and expres-sions were side-splitting for many in the audience especially those who haven't watched his comedy routine before.

For others, it was a sense of 'de ja vu', when the actor, director and writer recycled many of his old jokes. Still, he managed to hit the spot for many at the end of the evening.

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Palin Jokes No Laughing Matter

The problem with the Sarah Palin dialogue that's gone on in this country since 2008 is that people either want to smear and destroy her, or viciously attack anybody who doesn’t adore her. That’s exactly why I’ve steered clear of it. But once folks start bringing people’s special needs children into the mix… It’s time to start putting the stamp on some elitist bastards.

The topic of Sarah Palin has been open season to the media, entertainment industry and club comics alike. Unlike the propped up golden family in the White House, the Hollywood establishment has deemed the doggy pile-on the Palin family as both safe and acceptable. All too eager to appease the establishment, we’ve seen A to Z list stars line up to take their shots at society’s new favorite whipping post.

Cowards.

Worst of all is that more recently, the attacks on Palin’s special needs son “Trig” have become increasingly insidious. I mean, I get it. If I were a leftist, I’d know that the best way to break a mother is to assault her child. Underhanded and despicable? Without a doubt. Effective? Most definitely. Wonkette recently posted an article regarding Trig Palin’s birthday. They had this to say about the infant’s dreams:

“What’s he dreaming about? Nothing. He’s retarded.”

When I read this, I’m reminded of Dennis Miller saying, “I consider everyone and everything to be comedic fair game, except for the helpless.” Hmmm, would “the helpless” include a special needs child, unable to speak on his own behalf? I wouldn’t know. Remember, I’m just a simple Conservative.

Cowards.

Of course, as the Alaska Dispatch reports, Wonkette's freelancer was cowed into apologizing:

After some advertisers, like Papa John's and Huggies, began pulling ads from the outlet, Wonkette added an update to the post apologizing for using the word "retarded" there and expressing delineated regret. A subsequent email from Wonkette's editor to AdAge expressed more facetious regret and reiterated at length the publication's call for Sarah Palin to no longer "use her special-needs child as a crass political prop."

The article also posts to an older link that you may have missed, with comedian Louis C.K. saying this about Sarah Palin:

“when she was on stage at the f---ing convention that just came out of her disgusting f---ing c----… her f---ing retard-making c---…”

Hey, that’s the ticket! Take aim at the pre-approved target, it’ll make you seem edgy, isn’t that right Louis? See, this is my problem with comedy nowadays. Rarely is it ever about writing anymore, but a willingness to abandon human decency in order to shock people into giving you a paycheck. It’s very much like pornstars proclaiming themselves to be “entrepreneurs.”

No, you’re just willing to fornicate on camera, something that most human beings are not willing to do, because those people have shame and/or self-respect. In the same breath, nothing that an award-award winning comic Louis CK says here is insightful or particularly funny. He (and the folks at Wonkette) are simply willing to do something that others are not… by making fun of a mentally challenged child.

Coward.

“Her baby is three years old, it doesn’t matter yet that it’s retarded. It isn’t an issue yet!”

Aren’t we fortunate to have such an esteemed colleague like Mr. C.K. taking time out of his day to educate us on the needs of down-syndrome babies? Aside from the congenital heart disorders, intestinal problems, eye problems, being more prone to infections/viruses and often requiring physical therapy due to poor muscle tone (along with a litany of other challenges that come with the territory), his comments would be right on the money!

But what would a comic like this, Mr. “Divorce at 42” know about challenges, as he seems much more prone to running away from them than growing a pair and facing them, like the man he so desperately wishes he were.

Coward.

I’m still waiting for the days where other fellow comedians are willing to take this kind of bold approach to the current administration. I certainly would never condone these kinds of deplorable attacks on the Obama children, but unlike their “assault in flock” patterns on the Palin family, I’ve yet to see comedians even attempt to attack the president’s ideas.

Barack and Michelle are the ones in the White House, so wouldn’t a few digs their way be slightly more, well, relevant?

Ooooh, I get it. That would require the testicular fortitude to step out and take an actual risk. Nevermind. Just keep taking potshots at a one-year-old special needs infant.

Cowards.

Steven Crowder is a comedian, writer, Fox News contributor. Follow him on Twitter @scrowder

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Steven Tyler Jokes That THR's Ryan Seacrest Cover Is His Next Album Cover

Steven Tyler gave a shoutout to The Hollywood Reporter on American Idol on Wednesday night.

The Idol judge at one point had tape on his mouth because he had dropped the F-bomb?on-air earlier in the night.?

"You can't keep me quiet," he later quipped. "Have you seen the new album cover for my single?"

He then held up a copy of THR's recent?Reality Power List issue, featuring Idol host Ryan Seacrest -- No. 1 on the list -- on the cover.?

Tyler made a slit over Seacrest's mouth and stuck his tongue through the cover, while fellow Idol judge Jennifer Lopez pointed to the headline naming Seacrest as reality TV's most powerful person.

For his part, Seacrest laughed about the good-natured ribbing.

"I think we should go to a tape," he quipped. "Who do we have next, Stefano?"?

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Carmelo jokes with Jared: Dunk it next time

Carmelo Anthony had a simple message for teammate Jared Jeffries: "Dunk the ball next time."

During practice yesterday, Carmelo Anthony said he sent passes to Jeffries and told him to do something.

Anthony said he was joking around with Jeffries at practice yesterday -- "It's all fun and games, man," Anthony said -- referring to the final Knicks' possession of Game 2, when Anthony, who was double-teamed by the Celtics' defense, opted to pass the ball to Jeffries in the closing seconds.

BERMAN CHAT REWIND

COMPLETE KNICKS COVERAGE

Jeffries, with Kevin Garnett guarding him, instead tried to pass to Bill Walker. Garnett got a hand on the ball, then covered it up and called a timeout with 4 seconds left, sealing Boston's win.

Anthony insisted that despite criticism about his choice to pass, he would make the same decision again.

"You guys criticized me for [not shooting]. I took the shot the other day [at the end of Game 1]. You criticized me for that," he said, laughing. "But it's all good to me, man. If I'm in that same situation, I will definitely pass it to Jared again.

"I told him [yesterday], 'Get a couple layups under the basket.' "

Anthony refused to criticize Jeffries' decision to pass the ball.

"I can't make that decision for him," Anthony said. "Once I gave him the ball, it was up to him to either take the shot or pass it. He chose to pass it."

As did Anthony. He explained yesterday that during the timeout, he implored his teammates to "get open" because he knew he was getting double-teamed.

"I wanted to take that shot," Anthony said. "But the right thing to do was somebody's open, you've got to give it to him."

After the loss, Anthony said Game 2 "was fun," and he didn't back off that yesterday even when told Kobe Bryant might not have used those words.

"I'm not Kobe, though," he said. "I still have fun in those games. We're on the road, nobody would ever say the Knicks would have a chance to win both games in Boston. I'll take that. We could have won both of those games. We could have been up 2-0 right now and you probably wouldn't be asking me that question."

mark.hale@nypost.com

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Kylie has first date with Boston

Kylie has first date with Boston - Boston.com  Home Today's Globe News Your Town Business Sports Lifestyle A&E Things to do Travel Cars Jobs Real Estate Movies Restaurants Music Theater/Art Television Books Celebrity news Events Games Comics HOME/COLLECTIONSKylie has first date with BostonApril 24, 2011|By James Reed, Globe StaffShareEmailPrint

KYLIE MINOGUE

At: Agganis Arena, April 29, 8 p.m. Tickets: $53-$123. 800-745-3000, www.ticketmaster.com

Kylie Minogue jokes that she considered making a “Kylie 101’’ video for her upcoming North American tour. It’s an amusing idea because the United States is perhaps the last place in the world that needs a crash course in the Australian pop star’s long and celebrated career.

“We were trying to think how funny we could make it, acknowledging that [in America] it’s only my fanbase who really have a clue who I am and where I come from and what I do,’’ Minogue says recently in a one-on-one interview with the Globe. “Other than that, we might need a Kylie 101.’’

She might be right. A casual fan here probably knows Minogue from her two Top 10 radio hits — “The Loco-Motion’’ (1988) and then “Can’t Get You Out of My Head’’ arrived 14 years later — but that’s the extent of the dent she’s made, at least on the charts.

At 42 and on her first extensive tour of US cities, starting with Agganis Arena in Boston on Friday, Minogue is in an unusual position: She’s the global pop icon who’s on the verge of properly introducing herself to American fans who have adored — no, make that idolized — her from afar and for a very long time.

“I know it’s taken forever, but if it’s anything like the last tour, which was my first tour in the States, the welcome was just mind-blowing,’’ Minogue says. “I can’t wait to get there and share the show with you, share an evening.’’

That first US tour was in 2009, when Minogue tested the waters with a string of headlining shows in big cities such as New York and Los Angeles. If the tour’s scope was limited, it at least spoke volumes about her fans here.

“You are, in fact, fierce and mighty,’’ she says about what she learned from those shows. “I don’t have the numbers, I’m not across the board in the States like I am in other countries, but honestly, the noise levels, the excitement levels, the dedication — it was overwhelming. I loved it.’’

It’s astonishing to think Minogue will be making her Boston debut a full 23 years since her first album, “Kylie,’’ was released. The closest she has come to this city was in 2002 at the Tsongas Arena in Lowell for the multi-artist “Jingle Ball’’ tour. The Globe’s review of that concert noted, “Euro-pop princess Kylie Minogue attempted to turn pop into art during her set,’’ before singling out Destiny Child’s as the star of the show.

That was the year when “Can’t Get You Out of My Head,’’ an irresistible hit that lived up to its name, was in heavy rotation. Even though her commercial clout here peaked shortly after that, Minogue still wanted to give this market a go.

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August 18, 2004Kelly brings it home, with feeling
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Student Jokes about Columbine High School Shooting

Parents are outraged that a Palmer High School student had the audacity to make a joke about the violent shooting, which occurred at Columbine High School just over 12 years ago.

It should be very clear that a joke about this violent attack, which took the lives of 12 innocent students and a teacher, would not be appreciated!

Wednesday was the 12th anniversary of the shooting. As our country took a moment to remember the innocent lives lost at the Columbine High School, the unnamed student made “Columbine-style threats” against the school in a posting on his Facebook page, according to the Colorado Springs Gazette.

When police arrived to the student’s front door, he claimed that he was only kidding and meant no actual harm by the joke. The officers discussed this serious matter with the boy’s parents, and the boy was forced to stay home from school on the 12th anniversary of the attack.

The Colorado Springs police, Lt. Pat Rigdon, was quoted saying, “That’s not something to joke about,” which seems so obvious!

This town is still haunted by the 1999 Columbine High School shooting, and families are still mourning the loss of their children.

 

(Photo source: Wikimedia)

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'American Idol's' Stefano Langone jokes 'James is a little crybaby'

 Stefano Langone is the latest crooner sent home from "American Idol." He tells the press in his exit interview about his bromance with James Durbin and how ready he is to make his mark on the music industry.

On his surprise when Pia went home over:

"Me and Pia, we really had a close bond and I was really pulling for her. I know how bad she really wanted it. When I came out for 'American Idol,' I never really wanted to be the American Idol, it was getting my foot in the door in the music industry. I knew how bad Pia wanted to be the American Idol ... I'm proud of her, she's going to do good work. But it was very shocking."

About not completely being himself on the show:

"It's hard to really show your chops on the show. Casey really got to show his musicianship. One thing I wanted to say, that I was holding back ... my original music and my piano playing. That's something I want to show the world. I grew up playing instruments all my life ... I love music, I live and breathe it, I write so much and I cannot wait to start getting some collaborations down."

On his bromance with James:

"James is a little crybaby. [laughs] James is my brother man, we been roommates since Hollywood. He's a brother to me, I'm going to be the best man at his wedding. He lost it last night, I told him to stay focused and don't even worry about me, I'm gonna be fine ... I was just telling him not to worry about me. I did everything that I set out to do on this show. Every single thing I set out. It's gonna pay off, I'm gonna do great and I told him to keep on focusing on the show. I calmed him down a little bit. He was a wreck, he's a big crybaby." [laughs]

On why he'll be successful, as opposed to all the other 7th place finishers:

"The first thing is is timing. Everything is timing ... right now, there is a market for what I do and what I can do. The producers know it, my management knows it and I know. It's cool to get that acknowledgment. I'm ready to pounce on it, I'm ready to attack. I didn't get the opportunity to really show who I am on the show. The show is the show. As far as a musician and a performer, I wasn't able to showcase everything that I had. Partially because I chose to, but when you're going up there and singing covers for 1:30, it's hard to show what you got."

On his plans moving forward:

"I'm going in a different direction than any American Idol really has - doing collaborations with rappers, getting in the game quick ... I have the resilience, I have the willpower, I have the fight. I'm ready right now."

But does he have any rappers lined up who want to work with him?

I'm ready, I'm set, I can't wait to start work."

And is he mad Casey beat him to the J.Lo kiss?

"No, man. Probably the first kiss he's had in a long time." [laughs]

"American Idol" airs Wednesday and Thursday nights at 8 p.m. ET on FOX.

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Cole fined over Twitter jokes

 

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Friday's Edge: Two jokes to lighten up your day (we hope)

This came winging to us via the miracle (if you don't include spam and requests from royalty to help them transfer funds) that is email the other day. We're just sure it's from a reader, but we can't for the life of us remember which of the three of you it was.

That won't stop us from reprinting it, of course.

40 years
of marriage

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each otherfor all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! -- two tickets on the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! -- the husband became 92 years old.

Then there
is this one

At least we know who sent us this: It came via the U.S. Postal Service from Dale Maser of Beaverton.

A man goes to a psychiatrist.

He says, "Doc, I have a problem."

The psychiatrist says, "Tell me about it."

The man says, "I have been seeing this woman for two months now."

The psychiatrist asks, "What's the problem?"

The man says, "Well, doc, nobody else can see her."

Think you
can do better?

Send us your Edge – or even a joke you like – to living@oregonian.com and include the word "Edge" in the subject field. A name and city of residence wouldn't hurt, either.

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Seinfeld To Trump: No Jokes For You!

 
(AP)

It seems that Donald Trump, the potential Ross Perot of 2012, has really been making friends during his fake presidential campaign. According to the Post, Jerry Seinfeld canceled an upcoming appearance at a benefit for his son's Eric Trump Foundation, because of Trump's hotheaded birther rhetoric. And Trump was none too pleased: "You should be ashamed of yourself!" he wrote Seinfeld in an angry letter. As Frank Costanza might say, "THEY DON'T WANT ME, I DON'T WANT THEM."

According to his reps, Seinfeld pulled out of the Sept. 13 event benefiting the St. Jude Children's Research Hospital because he disagrees with Trump's blather about Obamas birth certificate. Taking the high road, Trump wrote in response that he hated The Marriage Ref: "We don't care that you broke your commitment, even though the children of St. Jude are very disappointed, and despite the fact that your manager clearly stated you are 'truly a man of his word.' What I do feel badly about is that I agreed to do, and did, your failed show, 'The Marriage Ref,' even though I thought it was absolutely terrible...Despite its poor ratings, I didn't cancel on you like you canceled on my son and St. Jude. I only wish I did."

Seinfeld's reps told the Post that he felt "uncomfortable" with The Donald's stance, and that he would still make a contribution both to the Eric Trump Foundation and to St. Jude. But it seems that someone was still mad, since Seinfeld's rider requests were dropped at the bottom of the story: they say it included demands for Hershey's Almond Kisses, original Fig Newtons and cold vegetable trays (no baby carrots), as well as "NO CUSHIONED STOOLS!" Trump won't have to worry about replacing Seinfeld at the event though—he's already gotten noted comedian Bret Michaels to fill in.

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Canadian Comic Fined for Crude Lesbian Jokes

TORONTO -- ?Canadian comic Guy Earle has been ordered to pay $15,000 to a woman and her same-sex partner after hurling a tirade of “extreme homophobic and sexist” insults at them during a 2007 stand up performance, the British Columbia Human Rights Tribunal has ruled.

Lorna Pardy filed a complaint after she and her partner were seated at a table near a stage at Zesty's Restaurant in Vancouver, even though they did not intend to watch Earle's comedy show.

“They did not heckle or otherwise disrupt the performance, but when Mr. Earle saw Ms. Pardy’s partner give her a kiss, he twice directed virulent insults exclusively at her and others at her table based on her personal characteristics as a woman and a lesbian,” the tribunal’s decision concluded.

The Tribunal concluded that Earle ?twice left the stage to angrily confront Pardy, only each time to receive a glass of water thrown in his face.

“When Ms. Pardy later went to the washroom to compose herself, Mr. Earle cornered her on her return, continuing to physically intimidate and verbally abuse her. He grabbed and broke her sunglasses, and dropped them to the floor at her feet,” the tribunal chronicled.

In a decision that could chill stand-up comics countrywide, the tribunal rejected Earle’s defense that he has a right to freedom of expression when performing his comedy routines.

“Nothing about Mr. Earle’s asserted purposes in verbally and physically attacking Ms. Pardy on the basis of her sex and sexual orientation justified elevating his right to free expression over her right under the Code to be protected against his discriminatory conduct,” the human rights body wrote in its decision.

Salam Ishmail, who owns and operates Zesty’s Restaurant, was ordered to pay Pardy $7,500.

Earle told the Vancouver Sun newspaper that he will appeal the human rights tribunal decision.

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Comedian says he'll appeal award to lesbian offended by his jokes

VANCOUVER - A comedian's homophobic, profanity-laced verbal attacks on two lesbian audience members at a Vancouver restaurant four years ago were discriminatory, says the British Columbia Human Rights Tribunal, which has ordered the comic and the venue to pay $22,000 in compensation.

The tribunal's hearings into the case last year fuelled the debate over the role of provincial human rights bodies in policing speech, and the Ontario comedian at the centre of it plans to appeal.

Lorna Pardy filed a complaint to the tribunal following a confrontation with comedian Guy Earle at Zesty's restaurant in May 2007.

Earle was the organizer and MC of an open-mic comedy event that night, while Pardy was at the restaurant with her girlfriend at the time, Zoe Broomsgrove, and another friend.

The trio had been sitting outside on the patio but entered the restaurant partway through the comedy performance, says the tribunal's decision.

The women were talking between themselves and their server, which appeared to catch the attention of Earle as he took the stage.

It was about that time that Pardy and her girlfriend shared a kiss. That kiss, according to the testimony of fellow comedian Marlo Franson, was the moment "when it all started."

Earle then directed obscene, vulgar — and at times sexual — insults towards the three women.

"I further find that these comments were not made in response to any 'heckling' by any of the women," wrote tribunal member Murray Geiger-Adams in his decision.

"Rather, they were a response, generally, to the noise associated with their being moved by Zesty’s staff from the patio to their booth, and asked if they wished to order drinks. Mr. Earle’s words were a response, specifically, to him seeing Ms. Broomsgrove kiss Ms. Pardy."

Soon after, Earle was at the women's table repeating many of the slurs and insults he had said on stage, according to the decision, prompting Pardy to throw a glass of water at him.

The next time Earle took to the stage, he launched another verbal attack. After that, he returned to the table and Pardy threw yet another glass of water at him.

While walking back from the washroom later, Pardy encountered Earle again, prompting the comedian to remove the woman's sunglasses and throw them to the floor.

And finally, when the women left for the night, Earle followed them outside and berated them some more, the decision says.

Geiger-Adams concluded Pardy has suffered lasting psychological and physical effects from the altercation, including post-traumatic stress.

Earle, who has since offered an apology, claimed his actions — both on and off the stage — amounted to protected free speech, and explained comedians must be able to deal with unruly audience members.

He also claimed the gay slurs weren't discriminatory, but in fact the opposite: he suggested he was actually exposing stereotypes and prejudice.

In his decision, Geiger-Adams rejected that explanation outright.

"The evidence was all to the contrary: that his purpose, put at its highest, was to 'shut her up,' and that his effect was to humiliate and injure Ms. Pardy with specific reference to her sex and sexual orientation," wrote Geiger-Adams.

Earle also made a claim under the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, but Geiger-Adams said the tribunal didn't have jurisdiction to hear charter arguments.

He also chided Earle for comments the comedian made on a YouTube video defending himself.

Geiger-Adams ruled Earle should be considered an employee of Zesty's, and said the restaurant failed to prevent the discrimination.

Earle was ordered to pay $15,000, while the restaurant and its owner, Salam Ismail, are on the hook for $7,500.

Pardy issued a written statement, saying pointing to the Earle's attempt to defend himself on YouTube and in media interviews as evidence that he "continues to minimize" the comments that landed him in trouble.

"Mr. Earle's desire to be a public figure and speak with the media over the past four years has given him the opportunity to portray me as a drunk, heckler and militant lesbian," Pardy wrote.

"I am not only a 'lesbian,' but also a daughter, a sister, a partner and a woman in the community at large."

Earle's lawyer, James Millar, said he plans to file an application for judicial review.

He said the courts must decide whether the words that come out of a comedian's mouth can violate someone else's human rights.

"What's not in the judgment is my concern: a comedian comes under attack, claims protection under the Charter of Rights, and there's no adjudication on whether this is protected speech or whether discrimination is a reasonable limit on the expression of a comedian on stage," Millar said in an interview.

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Republic of Telly jokes with more stars

'Republic of Telly's Jennifer Maguire has asked more unsuspecting celebrities some awkward questions during a visit to the Empire Film Awards.

Tonight's show will feature interviews with Jonathan Ross, Dermot O'Leary, Gary Oldman, Laura Whitmore and the cast of 'The Inbetweeners'.

Speaking about the interviews, Maguire said: "I went over not really knowing what to expect but it was great fun and couldn't believe who I got to speak to."

"Jonathan Ross was probably the highlight as I'm huge fan. I asked if it was about time he started dressing like a grown-up, and that I always thought TV presenters were meant to look thinner off screen - thankfully he took it all in good spirit and slagged me off for looking like a special agent in my trench coat."

"Dermot O'Leary was in great form. He told me that he's a big fan of 'The All Ireland Talent Show' and refused to slag off the show."

"Laura [Whitmore] looked great and told me she'd love to go for a pint with Dermot. I'm not sure if the guys from 'The Inbetweeners' quite knew what to make of me as I was slagging them off for being dweebs."

"Although not everyone was up for chats especially Kiera Knightley who ran off and refused to answer any of my questions."

Watch a clip from the show here.

Watch 'Republic of Telly' tonight at 10.25pm on RT? Two.

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I never criticised Rajinikanth: Amitabh Bachchan

I never criticised Rajinikanth: Amitabh Bachchan - Times Of India You are here: Home>Collections>Amitabh BachchanRELATED KEYWORDS:Amitabh BachchanAmitabh, RajinikanthMore PicsI never criticised Rajinikanth: Amitabh BachchanRenuka Vyavahare, TNN, Apr 11, 2011, 01.29pm ISTTags:Mumbai|Graham Bell

Great actors exude greatness not just through their acting prowess but also through their noble acts off the screen. Amitabh Bachchan is one of those greats, who is truly dignified.

It all started when Rajinikanth jokes took the world by storm after the release of his blockbuster 'Robot'.

They became the trending topic on all possible networking sites, smses and blogging sites. The jokes good-heartedly spoofed the exaggerated traits of his onscreen characters without doubting his acting brilliance.

The 'Rajini jokes' which became a bit passe came back in demand after the South film industry's demi god attended India Sri Lanka Cricket World Cup final in Mumbai.

'Sachin Tendulkar's mother's name is Rajni Tendulkar & 'The match was watching Rajini' were few of the Rajini jokes which again started doing the rounds.

Various actors have sent and enjoyed Rajini jokes before and the latest to find them amusing just like majority of us was Amitabh Bachchan.

Amitabh Bachchan shared one of the Rajini jokes he received on his phone on his micro-blogging site infuriating few of Rajini fans.

"Someone sent me this on mobile - "When Graham Bell invented the telephone, he found two missed calls from Rajnikant !" Brilliant" tweeted Bachchan.

When Rajini fans wrote to Bachchan saying what he did was not funny, the actor graciously explained, "Ok I shall not do it. Never criticising Rajni ... its actually praising him, his greatness and his power. He is noble successful humble person and revered like a God .. love."

Bachchan actually comforting Rajini fans was truly classy.

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Reese Witherspoon Jokes That She's 'Consolation Prize' At 'Water For Elephants' Premiere

Reese Witherspoon is certainly no stranger to dealing with the mass hysteria that Robert Pattinson — with his devoted "Twilight" fanbase — brings with him. While filming "Water for Elephants" in Tennessee last year, the Oscar-winning actress recalled to MTV News, "The women lining up outside the set — it was just unbelievable — till 5 o'clock in the morning waiting to just glimpse him."

So it must have felt a bit like deja vu for Witherspoon at Sunday (April 17) night's world premiere of "Water for Elephants" in New York. Witherspoon and her sought-after co-star (as well as fellow castmembers like Christoph Waltz and Hal Holbrook and director Francis Lawrence) arrived at the famous Ziegfeld Theatre in Manhattan to throngs of eager, screaming RPattz fans. Before hitting the red carpet, both stars crossed the street to greet fans who had braved a major storm over the weekend just to get a peek at them.

After Witherspoon — who arrived without husband Jim Toth — met with fans, she and Pattinson stopped by for a quick chat with MTV News on the red carpet. "I was just signing autographs," said the actress, who wore an elegant white dress to the event.

Rather than begrudge the Pattinson faithful (whom Witherspoon has compared to Leonardo DiCaprio's fans during his "Titanic" heyday), the 35-year-old actress was impressed by those who have been showing their support for "Water for Elephants." "[It's] incredible. Their dedication to the movie, the book," she said, adding, "[and] Rob!"

Witherspoon, who joked that the excited fans "like me OK," realized that Pattinson was, by far, the main attraction at the "Water for Elephants" premiere. "I'm like a consolation prize," Witherspoon kidded about the fans — who, according to Pattinson, were "very nice" — that met her on the red carpet.

Witherspoon has the luxury of not doing as many premieres and public events as her handsome co-star. "I do it once a year," the actress estimated, but added that "it's nice" to interact with fans face-to-face because filming is "so isolated."

"Water for Elephants" opens in theaters on Friday, April 22.

Check out everything we've got on "Water for Elephants."

For young Hollywood news, fashion and "Twilight" updates around the clock, visit HollywoodCrush.MTV.com.

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It didn't take long for Dix jokes to surface

Is there any truth to the rumour that, in order to offset the natural affinity female voters may feel for Christy Clark, the new NDP leader will initiate a voter-recruitment campaign targeting the fairer sex called “Chix With Dix”?

> Cal Koat / Vancouver

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Gov. Scott Jokes About Fish Story, Fear of Alligators

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) -- April, 22, 2011 -

Gov. Rick Scott is in a good mood after touring the Florida Panhandle to promote its recovery from last year's oil spill.

Scott joked about a whopper of a fish story he told during the
tour and his fear of alligators during a visit Friday to the
Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission in Tallahassee.

Scott said he was quickly corrected after claiming he'd caught a
"40 foot" redfish. It was only 40 inches but still the biggest
fish the governor said he'd ever caught.

As for gators, Scott said they are his "least favorite" form
of Florida wildlife. He said he "didn't want to be that close to
them" but later added he'd be "receptive" to shooting one if
that would help promote Florida.

Posted by: Buddy Garity Location: tlh on Apr 23, 2011 at 09:11 AM
This is the first good idea that has come out of his mouth. We have more Gators than we know what to do with. What a great substitute for "sport" fishing.

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Do not suffer in silence: Box Hill Vietnam veterans say

BEHIND the jokes and ribbing, a deeper understanding is shared by Vietnam veterans Vic Allen and Charles Kook.

When the Mitcham mates get together they are quick to display their dry sense of humour and denigrate each other, with wry smiles twitching on their faces.

Although they make light of their friendship, it has helped them deal with the demons of their past and use their life experiences to help others.

Mr Allen, 71, told his story to Leader before Remembrance Day last year to reach out to Vietnam War veterans and let them know they had not been forgotten.

Returning from Vietnam was a life-changing event for Mr Allen, who suffered the breakdown of his marriage and loss of contact with his children.

He had red paint thrown on him when he marched in his former home town of Adelaide and did not work up the courage to march again until 2002.

Mr Kook, 61, did not suffer the same persecution and isolation as Mr Allen when he returned to his former home town of Sydney.

But his service in Vietnam has still had a lasting effect on both his mental and physical health.

Mr Kook said he was lucky to have a very caring wife, Pauline, who had helped him through tough times.

“She’s a saint; if it wasn’t for her I’d have been dead a long time ago,” he said.

Mr Kook said that when he came back from the war he was busy working and raising his children and did not really feel the effects of his service until his life slowed down.

As well as suffering from stress and anger management issues, he said he had health problems from Agent Orange, which was used by the US military during the war as part of its herbicidal warfare program.

Mr Kook said he had received counselling for more than 15 years and was helped by his involvement with the Vietnam Veterans Assocation of Australia, its motorcycle club and the Box Hill RSL, which is why he encouraged Mr Allen to become involved.

With Mr Kook’s support, Mr Allen became confident enough to march again in Anzac Day parades and is now an active member of the sub-branch of the RSL.

“Vic and I just clicked and we go fishing and do a lot of volunteer work with the RSL,” Mr Kook said.

The two now also speak at the funerals of veterans, sell Anzac badges and conduct Anzac Day services in aged-care facilities and hospitals.

They both encouraged other Vietnam veterans to join the RSL and not suffer in silence.

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Allen jokes about wedding snub reports

Singer Lily Allen has joked with Mark Ronson about his invitation to her wedding after reports suggested that she had snubbed him. 1 of 1  Allen - Joked about her guest-list

According to the Mail on Sunday, Allen sent out her invitations last week but declined to invite the music producer to her big day.

Ronson reportedly said: "I don't think I've been invited to Lily's. Are the invitations even out yet? I will be hanging out at Kate's [Moss's wedding]."

Today, Allen joked about the story on Twitter, sending a message to Ronson, saying: "[Y]ou did get your invite right? In the Dail[y] Fail it says I've snubbed you from my wedding list."

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Laughing Liberally pours on the tea party jokes

Street, Elon James White, 32, bursts onstage in a hooded sweat shirt, hip-hopistan baseball cap askew, and lobs an opening joke about Rep. Michele Bachmann.

“I’m a fan of Republicans. They are just so damn entertaining. They’re the best reality show — ever. Forget the Kardashians, I want to know what the Bachmanns are up to,” he hoots.

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“That’s right, everyone. I’m a Negro in a hoodie, and I know who Michele Bachmann is,” he continues, as the audience claps and roars. “Sorry, but I’m paying attention!”

White is one of a dozen rotating acts in “This Ain’t No Tea Party,” a progressive comedy revue in the midst of a 10-week off-Broadway run. It often draws a packed audience filled with young Midwestern tourists in Uggs, dreadlocked blipsters from the Bronx, retired Upper West Side theater buffs, along with political wonks and human rights activists. The traveling show, Laughing Liberally, plans to tour nationally soon.

Like all good comedy, the show relies on timing. In a cultural moment that finds liberals dismayed by the tea party’s popularity and disheartened by Democratic losses in the 2010 midterm elections, the left is in need of a good laugh.

“Among liberals there’s no euphoria, that’s for sure,” says Laughing Liberally co-founder Justin Krebs, 33, who wears a rumpled suit and sports a loose ponytail as he ushers the audience inside. The goal, he says, is “to energize our base — in the same way the tea party does for the right. The left really needs this. It allows us to vent.”

Laughing Liberally is part of a national volunteer organization called Living Liberally, a social networking organization for like-minded progressives. It is best known for its offshoot, Drinking Liberally, a social club where progressives are invited to cry over a pint in bars and other venues while dishing on politics. “Like many liberals during the George W. Bush years, I realized I needed a drink,” Krebs says. He was not alone. Drinking Liberally grew to have chapters in 50 states.

Laughing Liberally began as a scrappy activist comedy show that entertained liberal protesters and others at St. Paul’s Ordway Center during the 2008 Republican National Convention in Minnesota. Justin’s father, Eric Krebs, a longtime theater producer, saw more in his son’s project than street theater.

“The tea party movement gives Laughing Liberally more urgency than ever,” says Eric Krebs, a curly-haired professor of thea-ter at Baruch College in New York City.

Conservatives in the early 1990s turned to talk radio as their main venue to hash out politics while liberals dominated fake comedy news shows on television, says Paul Lewis, a Boston College English professor and author of “Cracking Up: American Humor in a Time of Conflict.”

“Inspired by Rush Limbaugh, conservative radio relies on what I call ‘rage-icule,’ an angry form of mockery that not only criticizes but also scorns its targets,” Lewis says.

Though conservative comedians exist — Dennis Miller or “Saturday Night Live’s” Victoria Jackson — conservative comedy hasn’t had as much mainstream success, Lewis says. In early 2007, Fox News attempted to launch a conservative version of “The Daily Show” called “The ? Hour News Hour.” But after just 13 episodes, the show was canceled.

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Scott jokes about fish story, fear of alligators

Associated Press - April 22, 2011 11:34 AM ET

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) - Gov. Rick Scott is in a good mood after touring the Florida Panhandle to promote its recovery from last year's oil spill.

Scott joked about a whopper of a fish story he told during the tour and his fear of alligators during a visit Friday to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission in Tallahassee.

Scott said he was quickly corrected after claiming he'd caught a "40 foot" redfish. It was only 40 inches but still the biggest fish the governor said he'd ever caught.

As for gators, Scott said they are his "least favorite" form of Florida wildlife. He said he "didn't want to be that close to them" but later added he'd be "receptive" to shooting one it that would help promote Florida.

Copyright 2011 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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Fans' fault I dropped the Copa del Rey, jokes Real Madrid's Sergio Ramos

 Cristiano Ronaldo, Real Madrid (PROSHOTS)Real Madrid defender Sergio Ramos has jokingly blamed fans after the Copa del Rey became the Copa del Ruin when it was crushed to pieces by a bus.

The Spain international was celebrating Madrid's 1-0 cup final win over Barcelona with the rest of the team as their open-top bus travelled through the Spanish capital.

But he lost grip, the trophy fell under the bus, and the inevitable happened as the driver was unable to stop in time.

However, Ramos has seen the funny side.

He said on his twitter account: "What happened with the cup was a misunderstanding. I did not drop it, it jumped when it saw all the excited Madrid fans."

Luckily for him, and Madrid, the cup makers confirmed a replica trophy has been made.

Federico Alegre, who owns the jewellers who make the cup, said there were no problems.

"Since 05:30 this morning [Thursday] Real Madrid have a trophy in perfect condition which they can show the fans," he told EFE TV.

"There is always a plan B for these cases."
?
Madrid won the cup thanks to a Cristiano Ronaldo header in extra-time against the Catalan club.

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Natalie Portman 'loves dirty jokes'

Saturday, April 2 2011, 03:38 BST Natalie Portman has revealed that she enjoyed the dirty jokes on the set of her new film Your Highness.

The actress, who is pregnant with her first child by fianc? Benjamin Millepied, told the Daily Mail that she was frequently in hysterics on the set of the comedy, which was filmed in Belfast.

She told the Daily Mail: "Their dirty jokes made me laugh so much. I wasn't outraged, although they were scandalous!

"However, there's a time and a place for jokes and sometimes things are inappropriate - like first thing in the morning, like 5am - but I'm not too precious about that kind of thing."

Portman stars in the medieval comedy alongside James Franco, Zooey Deschanel and Damian Lewis. She said that, after Black Swan, she was eager to take on films with less "prestige".

"The big thing I've been wanting to do is not be snobby and just do prestige movies, because that's really limiting - and it's joyless to do those kind of movies all the time," she explained. "I don't want to fit into some mould of respectability.

"Meryl Streep doesn't do the so-called 'right' kind of film all the time. Sometimes it's just about having fun. I think it's important to be irreverent and make a point of not meeting other people's expectations."

Sucker Punch Zack Snyder's woeful tale of 'dumb-sels' in distress foregrounds hollow visuals over storytelling.

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Nicole Richie Hacks Kardashians' Twitters With Raunchy Poop Jokes

That Nicole Richie is such a joker.

For the second year in a row, the newly married mom and designer pulled April Fools' Day pranks on the Kardashian sisters. (Having both grown up in Hollywood--their families often socialized--Khloe, 26, and Richie, 29, have been close pals since childhood.)?On Friday, Richie appeared to have hacked both Kim and Khloe's Twitter accounts, posting a series of hilariously crass messages for all of their followers to see.

"My poops are in the shape of Ks," Khloe's account read around 1PM PST. Shortly after that, Khloe, presumably the real one, added, "Who the hell hacked my twitter account?!" and asked, "Whoever did [hack my account] is really clever with these tweets! I wish I pooped Ks!"

"I DON'T CRAP," Richie wrote on Khloe's page. "I KRAP!" The newly married Richie added another toilet-humor joke--one too raunchy for UsMagazine.com.

PHOTOS: Nicole as a mom

Khloe finally figured out the identity of her hacker. "Hey!!! Where the hell is @nicolerichie??" she wrote.

Kim?was also cyber-pranked by their pal- and it wasn't the first time either. "[Nicole] got my password from Khloe," Kim, 30, told UsMagazine.com in April 2010. "Nicole twittered it was her and we were emailing! She admitted it. Nicole totally pranked me when I thought no one could fool me on April Fools!"

PHOTOS: Adorable Kardashian family snapshots

On Friday, Kim's default and background pics were changed to the face of her NBA beau Kris Humphries. "I have a confession to make," Kim--really Richie--wrote. "@KrisHumphries loves to have his **** tickled with a soft baby pink feather… He loves ice on his nips! Sexy"

"This is my goal," Richie-as-Kim added, linking to a picture of a heavyset woman with the caption reading, "Does this thong make my ass look big?"

PHOTOS: Kim's TMI Twitter pics

Richie's stylist Andy LeCompte's Facebook page was splattered with saucy snippets in the week leading up to April Fool's day. They included: "Anyone know how to get rid of morning gas?" "Morning poops are the best," and "Does your carpet match your drapes?"

"Word 2 the wise if you check your Facebook at Nicole Richie's house be sure you log yourself out,” LeCompte wrote. “Hope your having fun Nicole…."

Eventually, LeCompte began to lose his patience?with his famous pal. "@nicolerichie stop hacking my Facebook," he wrote Monday. "@nicolerichie I have a business"

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