Comedians say the joke is on us

Fun in the sun: Nazeem Hussain, Geraldine Quinn, Dave Thornton, Joel Creasey, Tommy Little, Greg Fleet, Lehmo, Rosa the Russian Beautician, and Michael Chamberlin at Luna Park. Picture: Jay Town Source: Herald Sun

WHEN nine comedians gather to share their best Melbourne joke or anecdote, the laugh's definitely on us. You can see the nine perform at the Melbourne Comedy Festival.

1 NAZEEM HUSSAIN from Fear of a Brown Planet. "A couple of weeks ago Melbourne was actually voted the second most liveable city in the world. If you're not Indian."

2 GERALDINE QUINN. "The real joke about Mel Bourne is that he didn't win an Academy Award for art direction on The Fisher King. I mean, it really must have taken an unholy bollock-load of wax to get Robin Williams' a--- that smooth. He looked like a grizzly bear who'd accidentally sat on a campfire."

3 DAVE THORNTON. "Albert Park has a public golf course and a Grand Prix track. Go to either and you'll find rich kids practising driving."

4 JOEL CREASEY. "I love Melbourne for the extended trading hours. I'm originally from Perth so it's nice knowing that if you forget something from the supermarket you don't have to wait for the Royal Australian Air Force's next food drop."

5 TOMMY LITTLE. "I read recently that Chernobyl is soon to open as a tourist attraction and is expected to bring in thousands of visitors every week. This officially makes Chernobyl less of a disaster than Melbourne's big wheel."

6 GREG FLEET. "Such Melbourne behaviour -- we all moaned and complained about the Yellow Peril, how disgusting it was, an embarrassment. And then the Government moved it. And then moved it again. And then moved it yet again. Now none of us has any idea where it is, we're demanding to know where this great piece of art is. We even started calling it The Vault."

7 LEHMO. "People go on about the theme parks on the Gold Coast, but I love what Melbourne has to offer. The multi-billion-dollar salt-free wet 'n' wild waterworld in Wonthaggi. The mystery train that never turns up on the Sandringham line. And the proposed dreamworld where myki cards work and a member of the Collingwood cheer squad does an ad for toothpaste."

8 MARNEY McQUEEN is Rosa the Russian Beautician. "Honeys, as a celebrity beautician, I have waxed the downstairs department of some of Melbourne's most successful figures, such as the Victorian Premier, Ted Baillieu. When I waxed Big Ted, immediately I discovered the real reason they call it the Garden State."

9 MICHAEL CHAMBERLIN. "I live north of the river. It's a very Melbourne expression, to say what side of the river you live on. All my friends from Fitzroy love their side of the river, all my friends from St Kilda love their side of the river, all my mates from Dandenong say, 'There's a bloody river? Good. I'll dump the stolen car in it. The lake's full'."

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